Vision

I recently started wearing glasses for reading and computer work. I've found this to be awkward when I need to look up and down a lot, like when doing data inputting at work, so I've picked up my touch typing skills again so I can keep my eyes on the screen. I also find if I need to look at someone who comes into the room to speak to them, that they are out of focus. This means I either have to perch my glasses on my nose like a Granny or slide them up onto my head so they get tangled in my hair.

What is the point of all this?
Well, God kind of spoke to me about focus.
We need to choose what we want to focus on, and the things around will go out of focus as we do so.
If we focus on Jesus then the things in the world go out of focus. We lose touch with what is going on because it does not hold our attention in the same way as it used to.
In the same way we could shift our focus to things around, to TV or celebreties or sports or entertainments or whatever else may fill up our time and grab our attention. If we do that it is not surprising that the lose focus on Jesus, we find we are adrift spiritually and need to take action to sharpen up.

I've not always worn glasses, I could manage fine without for years. Maybe that's a spiritual principle too?
That we can manage seemingly OK for years, but there will come a point when we have to choose what it is we want to focus our lives on.
If I ignored the fact I need glasses I would damage my eyes and could hasten old-age blindness.
If I ignore my spiritual state I will become blind or dull in my spirit.

My personal world

I have grown to really dislike "in your ear" type music players. In part it is because I find the whistling and cracking noise annoying and sometimes painful depending on the pitch.

More than that it is because I think it is a symptom of modern independance... It's not just music, so many technical gadjets where we can connect to our own little world by means of technology and exclude everyone else...

People travelling in the same vehicle all plugged into their personal music and not communicating...
People txting continually and not speaking to the people in the same room....
People spending hours on computer games and not spending quality time with people who matter...
People all in the same room staring at the widescreen and no conversation...

We are called to be the body of Jesus. I think that means something closer and deeper than "friending" someone on Facebook.

In our church we aim to be a brotherhood church. I think we need to guard brotherhood. Not just the times we focus on brotherhood, but making the most of all the times we are together and making time to be together more.
I've had some great times of sharing with folk when travelling, or over a meal, or while working on a project together.
We need to learn to be together and to be comfortable in each others company.

There is a song we used to sing:-

"Let us open up ourselves to one another
Without fear of being hurt or turned away
For we need to confess our weaknesses
To be covered by our brother's love
To be real and find our true identity"

There is a very slim chance of finding that openess and vulnerability if we are all living protected by our "personal technology"

not buying clothes #2

I had another amazing gift from God this week :-)

My trainers have all come in holes over the summer, so I was thinking I needed a new pair before the winter. I'm not sure if I prayed about it or just thought about it. Anyway... I gave a friend a lift home during the week, he works for an outdoor clothing shop. He got into the car carrying a box and said "Do you know anyone who can use these?" It was a pair of posh trainers that a customer had worn and then returned. When I tried them on they were a perfect fit and they are grey/purple which is just my kind of colours too. Being a very good brand I know they will last me well.
I was really really blessed that God had provided, and that He knows me well enough not to send white leather trainers which I really would not want to wear.

I was thinking about this during a meeting recently. How God is willing to provide if only we pause long enough to give Him a chance to do so.
Then I wondered what other areas are there in my life where if only I would pause to wait for God, He would provide.

I mean... I am beginning to realise God's provision and care are not just limited to kitting out my wardrobe.
Maybe if I paused for Him instead of panicking about evengelism I would find His grace to talk to people about my faith.
Maybe if I paused for Him instead of getting stressed things would be more calm at work.
Maybe if I paused for Him and asked for .... whatever.... I would see His provision.
Maybe I should look forward to meeting the new sisters and brothers who are going to move into our house and not fret about the lacks or gaps....

about celibacy

This is an amazing quote about celibacy:

Celibacy is daring. Choosing to be celibate means giving up earthly security, it means you are free to love Jesus recklessly. It's a massive choice made by us in response to His massive love for us. We do it because we love Him and love what He loves, which is the church.

not buying clothes

For some time I have pledged not to buy new clothes for myself because I disagreed with the consumerism of the fashion industry that says you need new clothes every season just so you are not caught out wearing the wrong colour/style. I also disagree with the fact that cheap clothes are not made without someone being exploited somewhere in the supply chain, and firms like Marks and Spencer who pledge to be ethical are just too expensive.
I know I can't make things right by opting out of the system, but I feel that by only wearing pre-owned clothes I am using what people have discarded and am not contributing to the consumerism that offends me.

This year I realised I may be a little too fond of looking in charity shops. Just because something only costs £3.50 does not mean I need it. So I pledged not to buy any clothes for myself for a year. This was not a promise not have any new clothes, just not to buy any.
It's not as difficult as may be expected as we have the "clothing store" at church where people donate clothes they no longer need and where anyone can have a look to see if there is anything they need.
Also I have friends who regularly turn up with clothes they are getting rid of to see if anyone in community can make use of them.

So far this year I have been blessed with all sorts of things that I needed. Just recently however I have been thinking I need some more undies as I had not anticipated what I had going threadbare in the course of a year (!) Today someone brought a sack of clothes they were getting rid of, including several sets of Next undies still with the shop tags in. I was really really blessed by that. Not just because it meant I did not have to break my pledge, but that it showed me that God really does know what we need.

Looking back on all the stuff I have received this year I realise how much God does want to bless us and provide for us, but we don't give Him the chance. If we run out to the shops to meet our own needs (or wants or whims) then we are not giving God the chance to show us how he does want to provide.

When I was a child I used to read the scripture about God providing for the sparrows and think "That's OK for sparrows, but I am a human being". I can now testify that when we pause and trust God to provide then he most certainly does.

I'm glad I know you...

I was thinking recently about how knowing different people has influenced my character, how a little bit of all the different people we know rubs off on us. Not that we become clones of each other, but each of us is a little bit more rounded than we we would have been left by ourselves.

The most simple example of this would be how people pick up catch phrases from each other. If I over hear someone saying "thank you lots" I recognise that as something I would say.

When I was at my Grandma's funeral I found that my cousins wanted to great us with a hug rather than a handshake. Generally my personal space is about 3 miles wide, so I would have found that very difficult except that Patrick and Heather have been part of our congregation for about 3 years and they great everyone with a hug all the time. I have learned from them to be a more huggy person.

When I went up to Scotland to visit my sister I wanted to take the kids out to a zoo or similar, but they wanted to go to a theme park. That's not something I would normally do, and my default mode would be to duck out and let everyone else enjoy themselves while I watch from the sidelines. This time I felt free to go for it and join in. The kids found it quite funny that Aunty Jo screamed all the way down on the water slide. So, what has helped me to break out and express myself more? I think a big part of it is our cell group where we have done things like adventure courses and walking through abandoned railway tunnels. In trying to keep up with the teenagers and not let them down by being boring I have found confidence to have a go. Having Hannah in the group has helped me to be less reserved and to worry less about "being responsible"

There are probably more examples of how other people's behaviour has influenced or inspired me. I also hope there are things which have rubbed off from me to them.

Testimony songs #6

After writing about the song I sang at the time I became celibate I need to be honest and write about the song which meant most to me when it all went wrong.
I "fell in love" with someone. I'm sure it was not really love, but at the time it was a powerful feeling and something I did not feel able to cope with. So I ran away.
I went to Bournemouth and spent a week walking up and down on the beach, trying to decide what to do next and trying to find God in it all. It was winter time and very stormy. One thing I noticed was that the waves never failed to reach the shore. There were various man made storm defences in place, but they never did halt the waves. That spoke to me of God's eternal nature and His patience with us.

This is the song

One verse speaks of the pounding waves longing for the shore.
Overall the songs speaks to me of a longing deep in our nature that longs to be with God and will feel detatched without Him.

The good news is that after that week I did decide to go back and pick up where I had left off. It took a long time and some more mess before everything was sorted out, but at the end of it all I had a new resolve as a celibate.

Some years later I read a novel "The Hawk and the Dove"and at one point in the story a young monk called Tom runs away from the monastry to find a pretty young women called Linnet. Eventually after many months he returns to the monsatry and seeks to re-gain admittance. The Abbot asks him why he came back. Did he find the woman he sought? Did she reject him? Did he get tired of her?
Tom's answer is that he had to come back because he had already made vows to God and could not vow himself to Linnet when he was already vowed to God. I was amazed when I read that because that was the bottom line in my struggles. I cannot base a marriage vow upon a broken celibacy vow.

Testimony songs #5

This is the song which meant the most to me at the time I made my celibate vow.
My first love is a blazing fire

When I became celibate I was absolutely certain of my decision, but slightly shy of speaking up and letting people know that I had made my choice. Eventually I felt like a bottle of pop which had been shaken up and needed the top let off. When another sister my age at work made her vow that prompted me to confirm my vow publicly... the top came off the bottle of pop and I spent a week grinning like a Cheshire Cat :-)

The song sings of love and passion for Jesus being released and that is pretty much how I felt at that time.

The bit which spoke to me most and speaks to me still is this:-
My first love is a rushing river
A waterfall that will never cease
And in the torrent of tears and laughter
I feel a healing power released....

I do find that worship is very healing. Not the "plough through 3 songs before the sermon" kind of dutiful song singing. I mean when you give your heart to worshipping God and your spirit connects with the Holy Spirit and you do find a release and healing from being connected to your Creator and Father in the way mankind was meant to be. That kind of "perfect worship" is not a common  experience, but it does bring change and healing on a deep level. Sometimes after times like that I feel the kind of tiredness but comfort that you feel after having a good cry about something, a sense that some of the things that were troubling you have gone now.  And from that healing comes new joy, new confidence, new love for Jesus. It is indeed a time of release.

testimony songs #4

This is about what happened when I did move into community....

When I told the leaders at that I wanted to move into community one brother spent the evening trying his best to dissuade me. I suppose he was checking to make sure I had made a sound decision and not an emotional one. Anyway, they agreed I could move in once I finished my course at uni, which was abut 3 months off. It was hard work finishing my course and doing my final project and exams, but at the end of it all I was planning to pack up my stuff one weekend with the help of my best mate in the church as we shared our little student house together.

The weekend before I moved in she did not come to church and on the Sunday evening two different brothers brought a word to me,
One said "you are going to know opposition from the source you least expect it".
The other said "whatever it does to Tracy (not her real name) you need to be true to what God has called you to".
On Monday night I went home to find her sat with her arms around her new boyfriend declaring she was not coming back to church any more.
On Tuesday it was agape and I stayed over at the community house, and passed on her news as she requested me to do.
On Wednesday night I went home, we stayed up all night talking, and she asked me to leave the next day so her boyfriend could move in.
On Thursday I went to work at the warehouse where I had started my first full time job that week. At the end of the day I was dropped off by the minibus, and they came back in an hour to pick me up with all my stuff.

The song which kept me going at that time was this one. Faithful God, so unchanging

testimony songs #3

The next significant songs in my life were from the era when I was at university and making choices about what to do with my future. At that time in the church we had "multimedia gospel presentations" which toured the UK during the winter months. They were powerful attempts to show the gospel using songs, dramas, video clips and so on. I am not sure if I found them amazing because they really were amazing or because at that time in my life a lot was happening spiritually and these events seemed to hit the right spot for me.

It was during one of the "Bleeding Life" events that I felt God speaking to me and saying "I want you to move into community"
I was not really thinking about that issue at that moment, but I remember I had been praying for some weeks along the lines "God, I want you to do something in my life" I suppose I got my answer.

Anyway, one of the songs from "Bleeding Life" started something like this:-

Don't join the rat race greedy for more
Jesus has told us blessed are the poor
We seek the Kingdom
This is the time
Now celebrating in the bread and wine.

hands

Recently I had the experience of learning to eat Indian food using my hands, with chapati to scoop up the meat and sauce. I've looked into different cultures and food a bit since then.

When I thought about Jesus and eating habits all I could remember was the Pharisees getting upset about the disciples not washing their hands before eating. I always wondered why they got so wound up about that, apart from the religious ritual surely it is down to the individual whether they eat with mucky hands or not? Then I realised that at a party they would all have been eating with their hands from a communal dish. In that circumstance I would certainly mind if someone else at the table had dirty hands!

Washing your hands was for hygiene sake and also for spiritual purity. If someone stuck dirty hands in the food they spread germs to everyone else. If they were "unclean" then everyone else also became "unclean".
In the UK we have our personal plate and fork. We keep our germs to ourselves, and so does everyone else.
Going on a bit of a spiritual tangent from that thought....

In our UK churches do we have shared lives? Do we have hygienic spiritual lives, keeping our problems to ourselves? Do we expect others to keep their problems out of our way so we don't get affected or "contaminated"?
If (in the words of the communion) we all truly "eat of one body" then we are in a way sharing our food, we are "eating from one dish", we are making ourselves vulnerable to each other. What affects me will affect you. What you struggle with will have an effect on me.

That does not mean going up to someone and saying "you need to sort yourself out mate". It means we share each other's burdens, and support each other when someone goes through a tough time.

It also means we have a responsibility to keep ourselves clean. Not a hypocritical kind of "Oh, I must wash my hands 'cos it's Sunday" but living with clean hands that don't do what they ought not to, a clean mind that has not thought what it ought not to, clean feet that have not been where they ought not to, and a clean heart where Jesus can live and my brother is loved because it has not been made foul or dirty by my lifestyle through the week.

testimony songs #2

I had forgotten how much this song meant to me until I was reading through the index of our song book and saw it listed.
I first heard this song when I was watching Songs of Praise at my parent's house. I used to watch this on Sunday evenings when Dad had gone out because I did not have a church to go to regularly during the first year I was a Christian.
I had hoped to find a "Songs of Praise" version of this song to link to, but I could not find one so I've had to settle for the least annoying of all the other versions there are.
Brother let me be your servant.

I don't know what it was about this song which touched me so much. A lot of the things the song expresses were certainly beyond the realm of my experience up until that point.

"Brother, let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you, pray thay I may have the grace to let you be my servant too."
"I will hold the Christ light for you, in the night time of your fear."
"I will weep when you are weeping, when  you laugh I'll laugh with you"

These are all things which have become real to me as I have found deep friendships in the church.
To be there unconditionally for each other, to be loved and to give love, to face the tough times together with courage, and to rejoice together in the good times.
Maybe all those years ago the song revealed deep longings I did not know I had??

testimony songs

I've said before now that there are certain songs which I would like sung at my funeral as they are "testimony songs". By this I mean they are songs sung during significant times in my life, and they speak to me of what was happening at that time. I think it would save a lot of time if people sang the songs and didn't bother talking about me.... but then again there are rather a lot of songs so maybe they will have to publish a song book instead :-)

These are the first two songs:

Father God I wonder
This song I caught myself singing in a biology class before I became a Christian. I had been going along to Christian Union meetings with some friends but this was the first "sign" that God was beginning to get through to me.
It was significant that I was singing about God as "Father" because my opinion of God at that time was an aloof irrelevant being. "Father" is a close and trusting relationship, something very different indeed to how I saw God up until that time.

Servant King
This is another song which represented a complete change of mindset (or faithset). It talks of the suffering of Jesus and His love for us. It also talks about "the hands that flung stars into space, to cruel nails surrendered". I never realised before that Jesus was present at creation, that as part of the Trinity He was present throughout all eternity. My sister got cross with me for singing a "Trinitarian song" because the Christadelphians don't believe in the Trinity. For me it was a revelation, everything made sense, so much that I had not been able to understand began to fall into place as I realised how much and how deeply Jesus loved us, and how God had everything planned from the start of time.

So, these two songs are my "coming to faith songs".

fishing

On Sunday the ministry was from this bit in Luke. Basically the disciples have been fishing all night long, they catch nothing, Jesus tells them to try again, and they have a miraculous huge catch of fish.
 In the film the Miracle Maker, Peter is muttering about the fact you don't catch fish in the daytime.

I have been thinking about this all since Sunday, and was prompted by what people were sharing last night to think about it again, so this is what I have gained from all this.

The disciples had been doing their job, they knew how to fish and they had been doing the best but had not caught anything.
They had not been fishing in the wrong place or at the wrong time or with the wrong kit or in the wrong weather. They were professional fishermen so they knew what to do.

When Jesus shows up he tells them to try again. It is the same lake, the same boat, the same nets, the same people. It seems to be the wrong time of day, but they do it because Jesus said so and when they let down the nets this time there is a miracle, tons of fish, almost to the point of sinking the boats.

Applying this to ourselves.... We know what we are doing, whether it is church life or at work we have got the routine sussed, we have the right kit to get the job done, we have a team around us to help, we have experience and lessons learnt from the past. We can do the job.
But sometimes it does not work. Things go wrong, or we get frustrated, or there is little reward for the effort put in. Sometimes it just seems like God does not come up with the goods as promised.

So... what should we do?
Do we conclude God does not exixt? Or He is judging us?
Should we go some place else and try something else? Join in a fruitful ministry or become a TV evangelist?
Or do we just give up?

I think what we need to do is find God's timing.
Stop, and pray, and listen to God. Then when you know the prompting of the Holy Spirit, try again.
I'm not saying sit in a corner and sulk and say "Jesus has not spoken to me, so I am not doing anything."
I am saying try making some space in your life to listen. Get rid of the trivial stuff, stop wasting time, pack in stuff that you know is not helpful. Do whatever it is that helps you draw closer to God, and when your spirit is back connected to Father/Jesus/Holy Spirit try again.

God is our Father, He is not mean or stingy but does want to bless us.
Jesus died for us. He did everything possible to help us come to the Father, He is not working in riddles.
The Holy Spirit is our companion and comforter. He brings our sighs and groans to God as prayers.

When we do things in Jesus' timing, there is blessing, there is generous abundance, there is reward for our efforts. The problem is when we rely on our efforts alone.

Having re-read all that I have written, I am ashamed to admit that most of the time I just go through the routine. I can get by living in community and doing my job even if I don't pray or worship outside of meetings. But I know there is abundant life to be had. I'm not promising the wealth and abundance you may hear spoken of by those who follow a prosperity doctrine. I am taking of the spiritual abundance which comes from living in a right relationship with Father/Jesus/Holy Spirit.

Two rings

I was talking to a celibate friend recently, and I commented that I liked the woven silver ring she wore. She told me how she has had several silver rings since she has been celibate as she keeps losing them... one fell onto the railway line as she waved someone goodbye at the station, one ended up in someone's dinner... and so on. She says she will probably keep hold of this one as it is a good fit :-)
Another friend wears three rings. I asked her why this was and she explained that one was an "engagement ring" which she started to wear when she first came around the church because she was impressed by celibacy but did not feel brave enough to go for it (yet). Then there was the one she wears for taking her vow, and the third was a "gift from God" to her. I wish I could remember the story behind the third one, but apart from thinking it was lovely at the time she told me I can't remember.

When I spoke to the first sister I came away feeling that maybe I was a little too superstitious because as a new celibate I got very upset when I damaged my first ring.
When I spoke to the second sister I was re-assured because I now wear two rings, and the second ring has significance to me.
Maybe the balance is something between the two.... Having a ring does not make us more or less celibate, (or more or less married come to think of it). However having something physical to remind us of our commitment and promises is very helpful. (That's why we have sacraments in the church, but that's another topic)

So this is the story behind my second ring....

In 2011 I had been celibate for 14 years, which was quite an achievement.
At the end of 2010 I had written a letter to some married friends I trust very much laying out all of the sins and turmoils in my life in the area of sex and relationships. It was very hard to be so honest, but a very precious time also as they prayed for me about those things. So, following on from that, at new year 2012 I felt God calling me to a time of consecration for 40 days from then until my birthday.
Those 40 days were not all filled with amazing spiritual revelations and closeness to God, but I did feel Him speaking to me on a couple of occasions during that time.
In particular he showed me a ring with some words engraved on it "strong, pure, clean, confident"

At the end of those 40 days I felt I should buy a new ring to confirm all God had been saying and doing. (I bought it from Amazon with my birthday money).
At first I swapped the rings over and wore just the new one 'cos someone said you should not wear mixed metals. Then I realised that I was not "making a new start" by wearing a new ring. The old ring represented the past struggles, which although they were now healed are still a part of my character/history. God has proved himself faithful through those times even if I was not faithful and I do not want to discard the old ring.
The new ring represented a confirmation of my vow, and a new strength, and all the words God showed me which I do not want to forget.

hmmm #2

Here we go with another "hmmm"

"If you know how to worry, you already know how to meditate."

This was a re-quote someone used in a seminar, and I can't remember who the original person was who said this.

I've done some posts before about meditation, but I still find it hard to spend time thinking on the things of God without getting distracted. Sometimes to be honest I find it hard to concentrate until the end of a song we are singing because I have so many things going around in my head from the day.

There is plenty in the Bible about the kind of things we should be thinking about, here are 2 examples to start with:- Think about whatever is good, Store up God's word in your heart
In Matthew Jesus directly talks about not worrying

So why is it we prefer to worry than meditate?
Surely turning our thoughts Godwards would put things into perspective... and then there would be nothing to worry about!

some "hmmm" quotes

First of all, what is a "hmmm quote"? Well, it's a short quote which has a definite ring of truth to it so it makes you go "hmmm" and think some more about it.

The quote I have been pondering recently is this "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less"

I suppose that means that it is not proud to be aware of the gifts God has given you, and to enjoy using them for Him. Proud is when you get full of yourself about it and forget they are gifts from God.

We sang a song on Sunday with the beginning "I must decrease, He must increase. Increase in me Jesus. Increase till your life obscures my life" That could sound like just putting yourself down, but it's a quote from John the Baptist This guy had an amazing ministry, but when Jesus showed up John recognised who Jesus was and was willing to take second place. Not that John packed up being a prophet at that point, he kept on speaking up even though it mean Herod put him into prison and eventually chopped his head off.

I was also thinking about Mary, Jesus' mother. When the angel came to her to say she was going to conceive she didn't start braggging about it. She didn't freak out and refuse to do it. She accepted with humility the awesome news she had been given, and all through the years she stored up the precious things God showed her in her heart.

Paul talked about us being like earthenware jars. Very useful, very humble.Maybe that's what true humilty is about- just getting on with being used by God for whatever purpose he has called you to.

The best example of a humble person is Jesus. I don't think He was ever un-aware that He was the Son of God, but He did not show off or brag or pull rank, or use His position for His own benefit, not even a tiny bit when the devil taunted Him to do so. Check this out from Philippians about Jesus.