Where can I go?

Was thinking that if I did not live the way I do, I do not actually have many other options 'cos I have burned so many bridges. I have made choices which, though they are not irreversible, cannot be easily undone. This is quite scary, and not always reassuring, then I read this:

John 6 60-61 and John 6 66-68
and also this
Psalm139 5-12

Both Peter and the chap writing the Psalm know that they have cast their lot in with God, for better or for worse. They know that there is nowhere else to go.

Even if we want to run, God is everywhere and we cannot get away. Jonah is the classic example of that, and I don't much want to spend time in a fishes belly (even if only a metaphorical one)

c u in a betta place?

Yesterday we heard that a leader in our church was killed in a car crash on his way home from a leaders meeting. While people are obviously sad and shocked and sobered, there is the comfort of faith that he is now eternally with Jesus.

I know my theology breaks down a bit when I try to think about exactly what happens when we die. That's 'cos we have minds that are tied to this earth and can only think chronologically, but once we die we enter eternity where there is no time and no chronological sequence of events.

One thing that does wind me up is the vague "everyone goes to heaven" thinking. I mean, if someone choses to live their life without spending any time with God, surely God would respect their choice eternally? Why would someone who does not want anything to do with God now want to spend eternity worshipping Him?
I get annoyed when people speaking at funerals do not speak up and say what Jesus said, do not let people know there is only way to God, which is through Jesus. I know there is the need to be sensitive, but to not tell people the truth is wrong. To let people go out of the door with vain fluffy hope is wrong.

I don't think God "sends people to hell", but if God is good then all that is good comes from God, and to be without God means to be without anything good. That is what hell would be like. To be eternally without anything that is good or influenced by God.

The next question is "Why do people die tragically, or die young?"
I went to a funeral a few years ago of a leader who died of AIDS related ilnesses. (he caught HIV before he was a Christian) At this funeral there was the sense that this brother had run the race and had completed what God had for him to do. It was sad that he died, but no grief about what he had left undone.
For others we may not have this assurance, we might be left with the sense that they have been robbed of a fruitful life or a promising future.
I don't think God ever answers the question "why". He is God after all and our limited brains could not comprehend his reasoning even if he did have to answer to us.

I think sometimes our reasoning is back to front. We ask God why he did something we perceive as injust, rather than thanking Him for the grace we experience every day. It is not so much "why did he take that life" as "why do I have life? what is it God wants me to be doing with the oppertunities he has given me everyday?"

faith is another language

Quelquefois je pense que la fois est une autre langue, que je ne parle pas bien.

letter to a new celibate

I have been reading different things about celibacy recently, and the thing I have really apreciated is when people are honest about what it is really like to live the life. It is OK to quote stuff like "sublimation of natural desires" but what you really want to know is how to cope when the chemistry kicks in and you find yourself unexpectedly attracted to someone despite all your best and most holy intentions. (If you have just read that, and know me, and now think I am in love with someone... sorry, you have just jumped to the wrong conclusion!)

Anyway... this is a letter (slightly edited) I wrote to someone when they were a new celibate, it is bluntly honest and I am posting it incase it is helpful to anyone else. (Again, if you know me don't try to work out who it was written to, 'cos you will guess wrong).

There is some stuff in the letter that is not directly about celibacy. I have left it in 'cos celibacy is not an isolated thing, it is a big part of who we are, it is inspired by our love for Jesus and it inspires our walk with him and our life and ministries in the church. To detatch celibacy from the life of the celibate would be like taking the kids away from a mother- you can't do it, they are so much a part of each other.

So, here's the letter:-

Hi

This is to reply to your letter, and try to answer some of your questions....

It is not an uncommon thing for people these days to grow up with out the support and relationships they need, and to find themselves as adults without the emotional tools or experience they need for building friendships or relationships. Not that it is necessarily any easier for knowing other people are the same, because we are all still individuals and need to work things through and find healing ourselves.

I think it is one of the beauties of this church that we can be a true brotherhood. It’s not an easy thing, but it is still amazing that God is building together this people that can love and trust each other, and also find healing in God and through Him working in us as a family, a Body. We are not perfect, but we are being made more into what He wants. I think it is because we are inspired by the Holy Spirit to dare to build close relationships that we find out more about ourselves. Hurts that would have been nicely suppressed otherwise get shown up, and we have to look at ourselves in God’s light and admit to Him who we really are. Of course, He knew all along anyway so does not reject us!

Choosing to be celibate especially opens up things that we may not have faced otherwise. It is natural for a man and a woman to get together- that is why it is happening all over the place. Not that it is any easier- there are enough failed relationships and hurt people about to make that clear. The thing is, if you are celibate you have chosen not to do what everyone else is doing, but it is not a choosing to suppress or cut off that bit of you. We still need to face up to our sexuality and then we can make a choice to surrender it to God. We are not so much saying “I don’t want my sexuality so I have given it up” as saying “Lord, I choose to make the sacrifice of not expressing my sexuality in the usual way, and I do it for You”

One thing you may need to face is whether you are homosexual or heterosexual. Everyone assumes they are heterosexual unless things are very obviously the other way around, but it may not be that clear. Maybe you might find that it is a bit confusing, especially as you build close friendships with other sisters. You might find that you love someone, and not having had much female love from your mother you might worry if what you feel is a homosexual attraction. I would assure you that it is probably not, but even if it were, the sacrifice of celibacy is the same: you are still offering to God your sexuality. The other thing is, it is not healthy for anyone to have exclusive friendships, to be so close to any one person that it excludes others. If you build with a range of people and are open in your friendships then the problem of getting too close and bordering on something that is soulish or unhelpful is less likely to happen. Again, that is the beauty of being a Body.

About sex ..... Whatever thoughts/feelings/teachings/hype/taboos there may be about sex, it is the case that God made sex! He did not look down at Adam and Eve and think “What are they up to? Quick! Stop them!” He made something beautiful and spiritual between a man and a woman. The way the world has gone means sex has become something cheap and people are often acting in lust and self-gratification, rather than the mutually serving and satisfying sharing and giving experience God created it to be.

So, what does that mean to a celibate? You are not going to be doing it, so do you need to bother getting healing in that area? I think we do need to be healed in every area as God wants us to be whole people. Also, as I said before, celibacy is a sacrifice of something beautiful, not ditching something we do not want.

Sex also often brings a lot of guilt feelings ‘cos we do not find it easy to talk about. The truth is however that we all have a sex drive, and we need to decide what to do about it. It is not wrong to have sexual desire, though what you do with it may sometimes be wrong (or less than ideal). There is no guarantee that says once you become celibate all that gets erased from you! We are not meant to be people who have shut down in any area of our lives, celibate are to be as fulfilled as married people- except for they do not have an active sex life.

So… what do you do with your sexual desires/feelings….

It does say in the Bible that to look a person lustfully is as bad as adultery. I don’t think that is to condemn us ‘cos everyone will look at someone some time and think “wow!”. I think it is said to set a standard, to show us that dwelling on lustful thoughts and encouraging fantasies is not helpful. If we choose to feed our mind with something it can become a habit, and it can colour the way we behave and respond in situations. A mind that has had a free rein lusting or fantasising about something/someone is not going to be a strong mind that can resist temptation when it comes along. The more we give in with our minds the harder it is to resist, whether it is trying to resist fantasy or trying to resist a flesh and blood person. Also, we are called to have the mind of Christ, and we are told our minds are renewed by the Holy Spirit. I don’t think either Jesus or the Holy Spirit are very at home in a mind that is like an X-rated movie, but that applies to everything we give our minds to, not just sexual issues.

In the same train of thought as fantasy are things like pornography or romantic literature. We need to take care of what we read and what we look at ‘cos that is feeding stuff into our minds that maybe we would be better off without. It has also been proven by psychologists and such people that pornography etc is addictive and de-sensitises people. This kind of proves that it is not the right things for a person who is a temple of the Holy Spirit to be getting into.

So, what about masturbation? I think a lot of Christians are very divided over this one. Many people see it as something quite natural. Some people may say it is fine ‘cos it is private, personal and does not hurt anyone else. Some people would say it is a bit like a safety valve, that you need to “let it out” sometimes. Personally, I don’t think it is right. Because we are made of body, soul, and spirit I don’t think we can separate what we do with our bodies from the effect it has on the rest of our being. I think the same as fantasy/pornography it can be addictive and it distorts what God created sex for. I don’t think we are meant to use these bits of our bodies (which God gave us to love another person in a deeply intimate way) just for ourselves. I don’t know if this is an issue for you, am just trying to give you some answers and a bit of a rounded view about the whole subject. If you do it, I think it is something you need to decide for yourself whether it is right or wrong, but remember “there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus”. A struggle we may have in a sexual area of our life is no worse than a struggle in any other area of our life. God hates pride, greed, inequality too, in fact the Bible probably says more about our hearts attitudes than our actions.

So, remember the celibate life is chosen, it is a gift to God, and it is something we will be working out for the rest of our lives (the same as everything else really!) we are not going to get there overnight, but we do have grace, and forgiveness and the Holy Spirit working with us. Don’t get condemned ‘cos you think you have fallen short- condemnation only comes from the enemy as he tried to stop us looking to God and to Jesus blood that makes us clean and pure.

One thing I do believe, is that Jesus does give us back our purity. Whatever our sexual history, wether it is things we have done or things that have been done to us, we can be washed clean and made pure. I have heard people say that said even sisters who have had abortions or have been abused can re-gain their purity and receive a spiritual virginity. (Not that I am applying it to you, I am just giving it as an example of the abundance of God’s grace.)

At the end of your letter you said about feeling abnormal or paranoid. Though these fears may have some root somewhere in your soul or past experiences they are more the kind of thing the devil would want to feed us than what God would say about us. Not to say it is insignificant ‘cos it is something real to be worked through. I would encourage you to be open, as you have been, to get prayer about things, and to let God in. The fact you are facing stuff is a good sign- you would be in a worse state if you were not open to seeing things in you. Just keep going, and keep your eyes on God.

Another big thing about building relationships is just to go for it. No-one is perfect. No-one, however confident they may seem on the outside is without insecurities or issues. We are all totally dependant on God for anything that is of any worth. Remember, only what is spiritual has any eternal value in God’s kingdom so natural charisma is probably more of a hindrance anyway.

Also, remember that we are all imperfect people building the church the best we can in God’s grace. Sometimes you will get responses off people that are bizarre, or hurtful, or wrong. That does not mean you are in the wrong, it might be their issues. If someone else shuts down on you, don’t get rejected, remember that you sometimes shut down too and try to be brave enough to give them a gentle prod to get out of it, or give them a listening ear to sort out what is bugging them. It is always going to be give and take, and I can testify to learning and receiving more from giving than from taking.

What do you really want?

I want to lose some weight, but I also WANT some chocolate. I know the two don't go together, and it is because I have had the chocolate too often that I have the problem that I now weigh 10 stone and not 8 any more.

It's often like that in life, what we WANT in the short term is not compatible with what we REALLY want in the long term.

My REAL BIG VISION is loving Jesus, exploring the fullness of being a celibate, building the church. In the short term I find myself very often behaving like a spoiled kid, I want to go to bed early, I want to stop in bed late, I want to hide myself away with a book, I want to go shopping, I want to..... Basically there are millions of things I could do which are not at all wrong in themselves, but they fill up my life and God only gets the leftovers.

Someone asked us two questions in a meeting recently:

• What do you want from God?
• What does God want from you?

That's the key to it really.

What I want from God is the fullness of what he has promised us. And what he wants from me is my love and devotion. It's a two-way thing, and God isn't the one letting the side down.