God n Science

I was talking to a lady sat on a bench in town recently. She says she does not believe in God because she is a scientist. I find that very interesting, because I have a science degree and I do believe in God. I told her how I have studied science and I so clearly see God in the way things are made and put together. Anyway this lady was convinced we are just a load of chemicals banging together.

The problem with the theory that we are just chemicals is that we are so clearly not. If we were just chemicals where would love be? or joy? or beauty? There is no need for any of that if we did not have a soul or a spirit. The lady did admit that she could not explain away the fact that she does have a soul, but she still could not make the step to believe we are created by God to know Him.

When I was at university we had a professor who lectured on the structure of starch molecules (which as it happens is extremely tedious). This guy could so clearly see the hand of God that he virually evangelised us on the different crystalline structures and repeat patterns of molecules and so on. Infact, if starch was not formed the way it is, it would not be possible to make bread.

Recently I have been reading a book which explains how more and more scientists are having to admit there is a divine creator. This covers areas of science that I have some knowldge of like biochemistry and evolution and those I have no idea about like physics or astronomy. The thing is, it all points to there being a reason why we are here. Science alone cannot explain WHY we and the planet we live on are so precisely and perfectly made, or why we appear to be unique in the universe. I know there is still a jump from belief in the divine to belief in Jesus as we know Him, but I find it amazing to realise that what is written in Romans about God showing Himself through creation is being proved by science. It's all totally mind-boggling and just provokes the response “Wow, God!

Celibacy Testimony- Part Three

Part Three- The Blessings

Well, it has taken me a while to get around to writing about the blessings of celibacy, but that does not mean I am having to scrape the barrel to find them!

The thing with the blessings of celibacy is that the gift is not like a slot machine, it is not like you post so much in and you get so much back out. The gift is a lifestyle thing, and it is a tool or path towards a fulfilled and blessed life, but not a guarantee or a free plane ticket to paradise. This means that the blessings are harder to quantify and identify.

One way to think of the blessings is to think of all the things that I am now doing that I would not be able to do if I was not a celibate. The biggest one is that I work in one of our kingdom businesses and I have quite a responsible job, if had got married the likelihood is that I would have kids by now, and so would not be working any more. Working in the business is one ministry that I would have had to give up to be a wife/mother. Working in the business has also been a big training ground for me, and it gives me the opportunity to input the girls who work in the department, and not being somone who is mega out-going and popular I do really appreciate the contact with people that I would not normally meet.

I would also dare to say that there is an intimacy in worship that a celibate person can reach into that is not the same for a married person. Not that married people do not experience deep and intimate worship, but it will be more so for a celibate person. When I sing “Jesus, you are my first love” or “You are my passion” I really do mean it, and despite what I said about it not being a slot machine, there is a measure that God does honour the sacrifice and especially bless celibates who seek his presence.

Celibacy Testimony - Part Two

The struggles

Why do I want to talk about the struggles with celibacy?

Because I don't want to paint a rosy picture that is not true, because I believe in being honest and because I honestly believe that the struggles can be won and it is possible to live in the celibate gifting long-term.

There are kind of two ways that the struggles come: Struggling with the “sex, hormones and emotions” side of it (a bit like the hunger pangs when you are trying to fast) and struggling with the “spiritual” side of it (a bit like when you mean to fast and pray, but then don't actually get any praying done).

I think the biggest battle that all celibates face is keeping the gift alive. We have made the sacrifice and chosen the life for a purpose, but it is so easy to let it slide into merely “un-marriedness” and live an ineffective boring life- just without a partener. The celibate life is meant to be a power source within. It is mean to spring out of passionate love for Jesus, and spur us into passionate acts of love, service and devotion to Him and the Church, for the Kingdom sake.

But enough of the theory, this is me:

There have been some big battles on the “sex, hormones and emotions” side of things. I don't want to go into details 'cos it implicates third persons- which is not fair. What I can say is, being celibate does not make you immune to falling in love with someone, it does not make you immune from other people falling in love with you, it does not mean you will not get hassled/abused/assaulted.
After all the battles I still call myself a celibate. I still claim and hold onto the purity of the gift, and to be honest I have become more stubborn in my determination to hold true.

To live as a celibate day to day there are of course choices to be made to be sure I am not doing anything that would undermine my celibate gift. Celibacy is more than “not having sex”, it is about being set apart for Jesus and being pure and holy in body, soul and spirit.
I have to be very careful about what I read because I have the kind of mind that does not forget things easily. I do not read novels, and I often have to stop reading and turn the page in the newspaper. I would not watch a film that would fill my head with stuff I can do without.
Also, if I look at someone and think “hmmm” then I have to look away quick smart. If I am in a meeting and seem to be shading my eyes from the lighting, it is more likely I am deliberately blocking my view of a person who is distracting to me! I know what fashion or physique I find striking, and I chose not to feast my eyes on that.
I do not have any blokes numbers on my phone (except leaders and work numbers) so there isn't the tempatation to send or receive txt messages that could border on the over-familiar.

One of my biggest struggles is feeling lonely sometimes. Little things like not having someone to stand with in a queue, or no-one saving you a seat in a meeting, or being on your own at a family wedding/funeral. Those things get to me, they make me feel “If I had a husband, he would look out for me.” Its at times like this I have to remember that I do have a husband- and He is more faithful to me than any human could ever be. I also have to remember that God did ask me “What if I never give you anyone especially for you...?” and I chose that choice.
Having a wide range of wholesome friendships really is a life line to a celibate. It is also, when you think about it, what celibacy is all about: Choosing not to have one person specially there for you, so you can be there for lots of others. Celibate life should over flow in a wide range of relationships.

Other celibates who give up the vow is one thing that I do find really really hard, especially if it is someone I look up to or someone I esteem for enduring the hard times. I could have given up my vow at one point, but I realised that if I love someone then I would want the best for them, and the best for them would not be me. We had some teaching about being married for God once, and that helped me conclude that I could not build a marriage vow upon a broken celibate vow. There is a bit in one of the “Hawk and the Dove” books where Brother Tom runs away for a woman , and comes back because he knows he cannot vow to her when he is already vowed to God. I was so amazed when I read that because that was how I felt about things, and there it was in print!

Having said that, I know celibates do leave their vows, for many and varied reasons, and there is grace for people to be restored and re-find their place in the church. But... I know a lot of people who have been really hurt by those who have turned back and I do not want to hurt people like that. I know people who will not consider the celibate gift, or do not respect it because so many have turned back. That's really sad, and I would not want to cause someone else to struggle because of what I have done, because I have not been true.

Celibacy Testimony - Part One

This summer I have been celibate for 10 years.

I took my vow on 17 August 1996, but I don't count the first year 'cos I found things really hard and I “restarted” in August 1997.

This is the beginning of a few blogs about the celibate life, starting with how/why I became celibate.

Once I had graduated from uni and moved into community I was pretty desperate to know wether I would be celibate or married, at 23 years old I thought I was getting on a bit(!!) and needed to know which way I was going. I would now advise anyone to wait until they have matured a bit in their gifts 'cos then it will be clearer wether your gifts/ministries would be best used as a married or as a celibate person.

I spent quite a lot of time thinking about marriage and about celibacy. I remember when I was first in the church trying to look really holy when I was worshipping so the brothers would think I looked like a good choice for a wife. Then someone told me that I carried a celibate spirit when I worshipped and I stopped worshipping for a while!

I think I knew deep down in my spirit that when I was baptised and made covenant with this church, that community and celibacy would follow. I have always felt that either God is no real and worth nothing, or He is real and He is worth everything. This did not stop me falling for someone in the Christian Union at university. Afer we had spent an evening kissing on the sofa he asked if we could pray, and prayed along the lines “Thankyou God for this Christian girlfriend whom I hope will one day be my wife”. I had to quickly explain “erm.... I think I should tell you that I'm pretty sure God has called me to community, and maybe to celibacy, sorry for messing you around but....”

In one of the presentations the church used to do (“Bleeding Life”) there was a short video of familes in a shopping centre and the Dads had their kids on their shoulders. I had a lot of issues about that 'cos my Dad was not very affectionate like that. In time I got healing over the “Dad thing” and then one meeting, out of the blue, I felt God was asking me “What if I never gave you anyone especially for you?” God never said “I want you to be celibate”, just “What if.."

One particular day I went for a walk and thought/prayed about all the advantages and disadvantages of both marriage and celibacy. I needed to know what, for me, would be the cross and the blessing and the pitfalls of each. In the end the conclusion I came to was that, for me, celibacy would be a goad, it would make me responsible for my own walk with God and motivate me to be active in my spiritual life. As a celibate there is no-one for me to hide behind or lean on.

When I went to my first celibates meeting the friend I went with kindly got us seats right at the front of the meeting. The worship and teaching were amazing. Then at the end Noel said for those who wanted to receive the gift to stand up. I thought, “I can't, my spirit will explode if I do that” then I heard (one of the few times I have audibly heard) God saying “Well, I'll bless you where you are then” and in that moment I received an anointing of laughter and shaking. It was a release of the Holy Spirit like I had never known before. I was staying at another community house that night, with people I did nt know that well, and in the car I was still laughing and shaking and I was thinking “God, this is so unlike me, what is going on?” and He said (audibly again) “I am just taking your fears away”.
I think if I did not respond to a confirmation like that then I would be more than a bit dense!

The celibate meeting was in October 1995, and it took me until November to talk to my shepherd about doing a probationary year. (I am not very good at talking to people about what is going on) In August 1996 I knew the gift was me. I was prompted by another sister of my age taking her vow to tell my shepherd that I had made my decision. It was thundering that evening and the house was full of visitors so we had to go for a walk to talk. The community house I lived in then was on the edge of the red-light area so it was a bit bizarre in the heavy rain with prostitutes on the corner to be talking about committing myself to a celibate life. Anyway, when we got back to the house he and his wife prayed for me in their bedroom, and I prayed to God what I wanted to say to Him. When I had done that it felt amazing, not as emotional as the celibate meeting, but I still went around with a grin like a Cheshire cat for a week after. I was TOTALLY in love with Jesus. About a month later I had a celebration (bit like a wedding reception) to publically confirm the vow, the people in the house made me a card, a cake with white icing and a silver ring (tinfoil) on it, and someone wrote me a song.

My parents (who were not part of this church then) were cool about me making a celibate vow. When I rang them to tell them my Dad said “I thought you would” and Mum said “Oh, that means I won't have any grandchildren (my sister has since done the grandchildren bit). Celibates in our church often wear a silver ring on their wedding finger as a sign on their vow. Dad asked to buy my ring for me which was very special- though I don't quite know what the chap in the jewellers thought when he asked wether the ring was for a special occasion and Dad blurted out in the crowded shop “She's become a celibate- she is married to Jesus!”