After writing about the song I sang at the time I became celibate I need to be honest and write about the song which meant most to me when it all went wrong.
I "fell in love" with someone. I'm sure it was not really love, but at the time it was a powerful feeling and something I did not feel able to cope with. So I ran away.
I went to Bournemouth and spent a week walking up and down on the beach, trying to decide what to do next and trying to find God in it all. It was winter time and very stormy. One thing I noticed was that the waves never failed to reach the shore. There were various man made storm defences in place, but they never did halt the waves. That spoke to me of God's eternal nature and His patience with us.
This is the song
One verse speaks of the pounding waves longing for the shore.
Overall the songs speaks to me of a longing deep in our nature that longs to be with God and will feel detatched without Him.
The good news is that after that week I did decide to go back and pick up where I had left off. It took a long time and some more mess before everything was sorted out, but at the end of it all I had a new resolve as a celibate.
Some years later I read a novel "The Hawk and the Dove"and at one point in the story a young monk called Tom runs away from the monastry to find a pretty young women called Linnet. Eventually after many months he returns to the monsatry and seeks to re-gain admittance. The Abbot asks him why he came back. Did he find the woman he sought? Did she reject him? Did he get tired of her?
Tom's answer is that he had to come back because he had already made vows to God and could not vow himself to Linnet when he was already vowed to God. I was amazed when I read that because that was the bottom line in my struggles. I cannot base a marriage vow upon a broken celibacy vow.
Sunday 8 July 2012
Testimony songs #5
This is the song which meant the most to me at the time I made my celibate vow.
My first love is a blazing fire
When I became celibate I was absolutely certain of my decision, but slightly shy of speaking up and letting people know that I had made my choice. Eventually I felt like a bottle of pop which had been shaken up and needed the top let off. When another sister my age at work made her vow that prompted me to confirm my vow publicly... the top came off the bottle of pop and I spent a week grinning like a Cheshire Cat :-)
The song sings of love and passion for Jesus being released and that is pretty much how I felt at that time.
The bit which spoke to me most and speaks to me still is this:-
My first love is a rushing river
A waterfall that will never cease
And in the torrent of tears and laughter
I feel a healing power released....
I do find that worship is very healing. Not the "plough through 3 songs before the sermon" kind of dutiful song singing. I mean when you give your heart to worshipping God and your spirit connects with the Holy Spirit and you do find a release and healing from being connected to your Creator and Father in the way mankind was meant to be. That kind of "perfect worship" is not a common experience, but it does bring change and healing on a deep level. Sometimes after times like that I feel the kind of tiredness but comfort that you feel after having a good cry about something, a sense that some of the things that were troubling you have gone now. And from that healing comes new joy, new confidence, new love for Jesus. It is indeed a time of release.
My first love is a blazing fire
When I became celibate I was absolutely certain of my decision, but slightly shy of speaking up and letting people know that I had made my choice. Eventually I felt like a bottle of pop which had been shaken up and needed the top let off. When another sister my age at work made her vow that prompted me to confirm my vow publicly... the top came off the bottle of pop and I spent a week grinning like a Cheshire Cat :-)
The song sings of love and passion for Jesus being released and that is pretty much how I felt at that time.
The bit which spoke to me most and speaks to me still is this:-
My first love is a rushing river
A waterfall that will never cease
And in the torrent of tears and laughter
I feel a healing power released....
I do find that worship is very healing. Not the "plough through 3 songs before the sermon" kind of dutiful song singing. I mean when you give your heart to worshipping God and your spirit connects with the Holy Spirit and you do find a release and healing from being connected to your Creator and Father in the way mankind was meant to be. That kind of "perfect worship" is not a common experience, but it does bring change and healing on a deep level. Sometimes after times like that I feel the kind of tiredness but comfort that you feel after having a good cry about something, a sense that some of the things that were troubling you have gone now. And from that healing comes new joy, new confidence, new love for Jesus. It is indeed a time of release.
Friday 6 July 2012
testimony songs #4
This is about what happened when I did move into community....
When I told the leaders at that I wanted to move into community one brother spent the evening trying his best to dissuade me. I suppose he was checking to make sure I had made a sound decision and not an emotional one. Anyway, they agreed I could move in once I finished my course at uni, which was abut 3 months off. It was hard work finishing my course and doing my final project and exams, but at the end of it all I was planning to pack up my stuff one weekend with the help of my best mate in the church as we shared our little student house together.
The weekend before I moved in she did not come to church and on the Sunday evening two different brothers brought a word to me,
One said "you are going to know opposition from the source you least expect it".
The other said "whatever it does to Tracy (not her real name) you need to be true to what God has called you to".
On Monday night I went home to find her sat with her arms around her new boyfriend declaring she was not coming back to church any more.
On Tuesday it was agape and I stayed over at the community house, and passed on her news as she requested me to do.
On Wednesday night I went home, we stayed up all night talking, and she asked me to leave the next day so her boyfriend could move in.
On Thursday I went to work at the warehouse where I had started my first full time job that week. At the end of the day I was dropped off by the minibus, and they came back in an hour to pick me up with all my stuff.
The song which kept me going at that time was this one. Faithful God, so unchanging
When I told the leaders at that I wanted to move into community one brother spent the evening trying his best to dissuade me. I suppose he was checking to make sure I had made a sound decision and not an emotional one. Anyway, they agreed I could move in once I finished my course at uni, which was abut 3 months off. It was hard work finishing my course and doing my final project and exams, but at the end of it all I was planning to pack up my stuff one weekend with the help of my best mate in the church as we shared our little student house together.
The weekend before I moved in she did not come to church and on the Sunday evening two different brothers brought a word to me,
One said "you are going to know opposition from the source you least expect it".
The other said "whatever it does to Tracy (not her real name) you need to be true to what God has called you to".
On Monday night I went home to find her sat with her arms around her new boyfriend declaring she was not coming back to church any more.
On Tuesday it was agape and I stayed over at the community house, and passed on her news as she requested me to do.
On Wednesday night I went home, we stayed up all night talking, and she asked me to leave the next day so her boyfriend could move in.
On Thursday I went to work at the warehouse where I had started my first full time job that week. At the end of the day I was dropped off by the minibus, and they came back in an hour to pick me up with all my stuff.
The song which kept me going at that time was this one. Faithful God, so unchanging
testimony songs #3
The next significant songs in my life were from the era when I was at university and making choices about what to do with my future. At that time in the church we had "multimedia gospel presentations" which toured the UK during the winter months. They were powerful attempts to show the gospel using songs, dramas, video clips and so on. I am not sure if I found them amazing because they really were amazing or because at that time in my life a lot was happening spiritually and these events seemed to hit the right spot for me.
It was during one of the "Bleeding Life" events that I felt God speaking to me and saying "I want you to move into community"
I was not really thinking about that issue at that moment, but I remember I had been praying for some weeks along the lines "God, I want you to do something in my life" I suppose I got my answer.
Anyway, one of the songs from "Bleeding Life" started something like this:-
Don't join the rat race greedy for more
Jesus has told us blessed are the poor
We seek the Kingdom
This is the time
Now celebrating in the bread and wine.
It was during one of the "Bleeding Life" events that I felt God speaking to me and saying "I want you to move into community"
I was not really thinking about that issue at that moment, but I remember I had been praying for some weeks along the lines "God, I want you to do something in my life" I suppose I got my answer.
Anyway, one of the songs from "Bleeding Life" started something like this:-
Don't join the rat race greedy for more
Jesus has told us blessed are the poor
We seek the Kingdom
This is the time
Now celebrating in the bread and wine.
Thursday 5 July 2012
hands
Recently I had the experience of learning to eat Indian food using my hands, with chapati to scoop up the meat and sauce. I've looked into different cultures and food a bit since then.
When I thought about Jesus and eating habits all I could remember was the Pharisees getting upset about the disciples not washing their hands before eating. I always wondered why they got so wound up about that, apart from the religious ritual surely it is down to the individual whether they eat with mucky hands or not? Then I realised that at a party they would all have been eating with their hands from a communal dish. In that circumstance I would certainly mind if someone else at the table had dirty hands!
Washing your hands was for hygiene sake and also for spiritual purity. If someone stuck dirty hands in the food they spread germs to everyone else. If they were "unclean" then everyone else also became "unclean".
In the UK we have our personal plate and fork. We keep our germs to ourselves, and so does everyone else.
Going on a bit of a spiritual tangent from that thought....
In our UK churches do we have shared lives? Do we have hygienic spiritual lives, keeping our problems to ourselves? Do we expect others to keep their problems out of our way so we don't get affected or "contaminated"?
If (in the words of the communion) we all truly "eat of one body" then we are in a way sharing our food, we are "eating from one dish", we are making ourselves vulnerable to each other. What affects me will affect you. What you struggle with will have an effect on me.
That does not mean going up to someone and saying "you need to sort yourself out mate". It means we share each other's burdens, and support each other when someone goes through a tough time.
When I thought about Jesus and eating habits all I could remember was the Pharisees getting upset about the disciples not washing their hands before eating. I always wondered why they got so wound up about that, apart from the religious ritual surely it is down to the individual whether they eat with mucky hands or not? Then I realised that at a party they would all have been eating with their hands from a communal dish. In that circumstance I would certainly mind if someone else at the table had dirty hands!
Washing your hands was for hygiene sake and also for spiritual purity. If someone stuck dirty hands in the food they spread germs to everyone else. If they were "unclean" then everyone else also became "unclean".
In the UK we have our personal plate and fork. We keep our germs to ourselves, and so does everyone else.
Going on a bit of a spiritual tangent from that thought....
In our UK churches do we have shared lives? Do we have hygienic spiritual lives, keeping our problems to ourselves? Do we expect others to keep their problems out of our way so we don't get affected or "contaminated"?
If (in the words of the communion) we all truly "eat of one body" then we are in a way sharing our food, we are "eating from one dish", we are making ourselves vulnerable to each other. What affects me will affect you. What you struggle with will have an effect on me.
That does not mean going up to someone and saying "you need to sort yourself out mate". It means we share each other's burdens, and support each other when someone goes through a tough time.
It also means we have a responsibility to keep ourselves clean. Not a hypocritical kind of "Oh, I must wash my hands 'cos it's Sunday" but living with clean hands that don't do what they ought not to, a clean mind that has not thought what it ought not to, clean feet that have not been where they ought not to, and a clean heart where Jesus can live and my brother is loved because it has not been made foul or dirty by my lifestyle through the week.
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