role models

I was looking through some old copies of our church magazine, there was one article which reported on a stage item which I remember from when I first came around the church. This was a group of sisters sharing about how God had drawn them together from all sorts of different backgrounds and made them good friends in Jesus.



The thing that I noted about it was, the sister I most looked up to at the time was 35 when the article was written. That was about 17 years ago, when I was 18. This year I will turn 35, so I will be the same as as this sister who I considered "mature", "stable", "secure" and so on.

It's a bit scary to think I am now the same age as people I used to look up to when I was in my teens.
Part of me does not feel like I have been around the church that long. I certainly do not feel that "grown up".

I also wonder what I have actually achieved in all the years I have been in the church.
Or what am I doing with all the "experience" that comes with 17 years of covenant/community/celibacy/kingdom employment.?

It also makes me think along the lines "Am I living the life I claim to?", "Is the life I am living what I really want to be doing?", "Am I really achieving what I want to in life?"

encouraged

I was helping someone in another department at work yesterday 'cos they had a load of rubbish to clear up and were anxious to get on with another job. Also, we have had a mouse so I wanted rid of the rubbish to be sure of getting rid of the mouse.

Anyway... we were chatting about this and that and the brother asked me "Are you a celibate?". "yes, I am" I replied. "I thought so" he said "you are too happy not to be".

That so encouraged me because so often I think I am just stressed and moody at work. I don't like myself the days when it seems all I do is nag and correct people and hassle them to get the work done. I was encouraged that someone does see something different sometimes.

Vision

We were singing this song on Sunday:-

I can hear the sound of a rising generation
Not afraid of love or dreaming of the future
They talk about Jesus and the good things He's done
Fling wide those gates, let's see His Kingdom come...

Then someone returned a book to me with this poem in

The way of God (David Adam from The Glory of Light)

When I walk in the shadows
Unsure of my way
When I fail to see the beauty
Or the wonders about me
Come, Lord, guide me into light
Show me the way to walk in.

Lord, go before me and lead me
Let me follow in your steps
Then let me boldy venture
Rejoicing in all about me
Reveal to me the way of holiness
And the glories of your creation

The line in the song which struck me was "not afraid of love, or dreaming of the future".
When I feel discouraged then I do not feel brave to love. By this I don't mean that I don't love anyone, but I stop taking the risk of reaching out to new people or deepening relationships that have begun.
When I feel encouraged, I easily find inspiration both for the future and for things I am already involved in, I am keen to try things and take risks. Life is exciting when you can see God leading the way.
The poem sums all this up so well. In times of doubt I need God to lead me, to go before me, to give me courage to be brave and to enjoy what is ahead.

Life should have excitement and adventure in it. Not that it can always be like that, 'cos daily routine is obviously routine. But as it says somewhere in the Bible "without vision the people perish".
So, hold fast to your hope, your vision, and encourage each other too 'cos it is often through each other that encouragement or discouragement come

Tree of Life

In one of the proverbs it says "a desire fulfilled is a tree of life"

I was thinking about that at work recently as I was making some bread. I have really enjoyed myself doing this because I find food science really interesting, and making my own method has meant I can get the grey cells working again and put some of what I remember into practice. The fact the bread also worked out well and tastes good is a bonus.
The proverb is probably talking about deeper things than enjoying baking. But, I think it is good to do things you enjoy. It is good to express the creativity or talents God has given you.
If we limit ourselves and never step off the treadmill then we become dull grey robots. If we often try new things, or spend time in creation, or enjoy the skills God has given us, then we become people who are free to try things out in the spirit too, people who are ready for "God adventures".

walking on solid ground

I was listening to this song on a CD in the car on the way home:

"I fall on You because everything else is insecure
I trust in you for You are awesome, yes you are"

This made me think that life is a bit like walking on uneven ground or balancing a beam, where you need someone strong alongside you to lean on, someone who is not going to wobble or fall when you need them.

Then I thought "why walk on the wobbly ground at all?" I mean, if Jesus is standing where the ground is secure, then why not walk arm in arm with Him?
If I was going for a walk with someone, I would prefer to be alongside them, maybe even arm in arm with them, rather than concentrating on the balancing act of picking my own wobbly path.

the mystery of redemption

I have been having a bit of a theological discussion with someone recently, it was provoked mostly by this verse from the hymn "and can it be"

’Tis mystery all: th’Immortal dies:
Who can explore His strange design?
In vain the firstborn seraph tries
To sound the depths of love divine.
’Tis mercy all! Let earth adore,
Let angel minds inquire no more.

To me this seems like, until Jesus had died, angels did not understand redemption.
This was explained to be quite right, because angels are in heaven where there is no sin, so they do not know the pain of separation from God caused by sin.

Somehow Satan did sin, and God had to throw him out of heaven. There is no redemption for fallen angels. I don't understand why not, but maybe having once been in heaven there is no excuse for sin, and no redemption possible.

Anyway... if the angels (and satan) now see that mankind has been redeemed by Jesus, I guess that is why satan opposes us so much? He once knew heaven, but now knows his end is eternal destruction. God's grace to fallen humanity must be the most horrible thing to him as he cannot share in it.

Acquired by God

My friend's husband was baptised tonight, it has taken him a long time to make this decision so it was a very meaningful and much prayed for occasion.
In the afternoon I txt someone about this, but when I entered "baptised" on predictive txt it came up with "acquired".
I thought this was very apt. He has been acquired by God. He has transfered. He no longer belongs on the other side any more and now belongs fully to the Kingdom of God.
That is awesome.

Gossip

Quite a bit has been said about gossip recently.
I have noticed how much information gets passed on "in your best interests to know" or "in strictest confidentiality" or "just for prayer of course".
This does incline me not to talk about some things 'cos I do not want the whole world knowing.

I know someone who is very confidential about things that have been shared with them. Even to the extent of not confirming that a word of knowledge about the situation is correct.

Someone else gave the illustration of lions in Africa which were being poisoned. The problem was traced to a herbicide the farmers were using on the grass, which the deers ate but were not affected by the chemicals, and then when the lions ate those deers the herbicide was poisonous to the lions.
The herbicide is like information that is not intended for us. It might not harm the person who passes it on to us, but it will harm us.
It might cause us to form an opinion which is not helpful. It might undermine what we think of a third person. It might tempt us to sin. It might make us aware of something we are better not knowing about.

I need to be careful what I do and do not say. Even if something is true I do not always need to say it. And so what if people will find out anyway... they don't have to find out because I have gossipped.

a rotten plant

Our room is quite dark, so I have to be careful when I water my plants 'cos if they do not get enough light the water just sits there and they go rotten. That has happened to a couple of plants I had.

On Sunday evening in the meeting I felg God speaking to me about that.
It was like He was pointing out that if we receive the water of the Holy Spirit we need to walk in the light and draw on that water to make us grow.
If we are watered and then sit and do nothing, or go back to things of the darkness, then the water will be like rotteness within us and we will die.

One of the plants that went rotten was a cactus. It would have been quite happy not to have been watered- it is meant to be able to cope with dryness. That kind of said to me that it is better not to receive the Holy Spirit than to be fake about it. If we are real and say "God, I am dry, I need you" then He can work in us and we will drink up the water of the Holy Spirit. If we are not bothered, but think we better go through the motions, then we end up stagnant and that is worse than being dry.

Lord of Glory

This is a poem/prayer from the book "Glory of Light" by David Adam which someone bought for me:

Lord of glory and holiness
I bow in wonder before you
I cannot capture the sunrise
How can I contain you?
I am unable to grasp the wind
How can I hold on to you?
Nowhere near touching the stars
How can I reach out to you?
God of deep mystery
Beyond our imagining
You reach out to us
You touch our lives
Still my mind and heart
That I may reflect your glory

I like this because it puts us into perspective. God is awesome and vast and way out of our reach. Yet He reaches out to relate to mankind, and though we are like lumps of clay He is able to display His glory through us.

It reminds me of the end of the book of Job.
There are chapters and chapters of philosophy and counselling and arguments and counter argument between Job and his friends who claim to speak for God. Then God shows up.
God speaks out of the storm and points out how He created everything, and controls the weather. God says "If you know as much as me, then you can question me about what is right or just". "If you can answer my questions, then I will agree with you that my justice and judgements are wrong and will let you be saved by your own efforts"
Jobs answer to God is full of humility, he realises that Gods plans and ways are far above human understanding, and he repents of having challenged God.

Our lives are so full of works for God sometimes, we are used to the Holy Spirit and presume we can speak for God. It is good to pause, to be humbled by God's awesomeness and to listen.

Speaking in Tongues

At the Bank Holiday weekend at the end of August we were encouraged to speak in tongues for 10-15 minutes every day until the Sheffield meeting (which is next week now).
I have tried to do this, but not always managed it, and it has varied from being a slog to being an amazing experience.

Someone once said that speaking in tongues too much was not a good thing 'cos it only built yourself up and did not help the body.
That seems to be an odd thing to say 'cos surely the more inspired members the body has, the more healthy it is?
The more used we are to getting in touch with our spirit and with the Holy Spirit the more we will have to contribute to corporate spiritual life.

Another time someone else said they liked to pray in tongues 'cos it is a heavenly language, given by God, so whatever you pray in tongues must be in the spirit and must be the right thing to pray for the occasion 'cos it is God's words you are praying!

Anyway, I was thinking about the discipline of all praying in tongue, and about how much power it must be having in the spiritual realm. It reminded me of when all the people of Israel went marching around Jericho everyday for a week, until on the last day they gave a big shout of praise and all the walls fell down.
I don't know for sure, but I would expect it took a bit of discipline and commitment to get everyone to do the marching, in silence, once around the city every day for 7 days, and then 7 times around on the 7th day.
The people must have had faith in God. Human nature would have grumbled and shuffled chattering around the city, and maybe not bothered to get out of bed after the third morning doing the same thing yet again.
The other thing was, on the 7th day, when Joshua gave the command to shout praise, they were ready, they were expectant, they shouted for the glory of God and when the walls came down they were ready to go in and take the city as God commanded.

So, when we have finished praying in tongues as God has asked us.... what are we going to see God do at Sheffield? Are we ready to shout for the glory of God, to see the strongholds fall, and take the victories God has in store?

Reflecting Jesus

When we were on Lindisfarne we visited a community for their lunchtime prayers, which were very sincere but left us feeling something was missing. We also visited a small church to look around. There was stuff there that had been inspired by radical men of God, but it was a dead building.

When we came outside we looked out and saw Cuthbert's island just off the shore, and the sun was reflected in the waves.

Beckie commented that is how we should be:

The sun itself is too bright and powerful to look at, but the water reflected the sun as we should reflect God. People should be able to look at us and see God. It's not about monuments and rituals, its about living and moving faith.

mixing religions

When we went to Lindisfarne we looked in a small church on the island. They had all sorts of leaflets and newsletters there for information. What really upset me was to find one describing how a group of Franciscans had gone on a retreat in Thailand with a load of Buddhists and were learning the Buddhist way of meditation. I stood there muttering under my breath "that is wrong, that is so wrong" until Beckie told me to shush. I admit I took the newsletter without paying for it as I intend to write and ask them what on earth they are up to. These people even had a symbol which was a cross and a lotus flower. I hate it.

So, what is the big deal? Is this just a bee in my bonnet? What is wrong with multi-faith stuff in our tolerant modern society.

Well. I reckon you either believe Jesus or you don't.
Jesus said "I am the Way and the Truth and the Light" "No-one comes to the Father except by Me".
That does not leave much room for other faiths does it?

Also, if there are other options, why did Jesus have to die?
In Gethsemane He prayed "Father, if possible, take this cup from Me". If God knew mankind could be saved just as well through Buddhist meditation I am sure He would have answered that prayer and sent angels to rescue Jesus.

Paul has stuff to say that is relevant to multi-faith stuff too.
He said you could not eat at the altar of demons and the table of the Lord.
He said don't be un-equally yoked to unbelievers.
He was harsh to the Galatians who had been adding other beliefs to the gospel they had been taught.

James said a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. What is more double minded than trying to marry two faiths?

It is not just Buddhist's I disagree with. I know Jesus is the way to God.
If I did not believe that I would not be a Christian.
As I do believe that I cannot accept that other faiths, whatever they may be, are "just as good".
I know Jesus and have chosen to give my life to Him.
What on earth these monks and nuns who have also given their lives to Jesus are thinking of, I cannot imagine.

Do you do church?

When we were away on Lindisfarne we saw a house which is used as a Christian retreat, and they had a notice up saying anyone was welcome to join them for noon prayers, so we did.

They had a very simple chapel, very small with about a dozen chairs and a driftwood cross at the front.
The service was all about the cross and about Jesus carrying our burdens. They had prayers for those with heavy burdens and for the needy ones in our society.
It was very lovely, and there was nothing I disagreed with, but it all came from a book.
When we came away we all felt that there was something missing.
They knew the form of Christianity, but we knew the life of it.
They prayed for the victims of society, we meet them and often live or work with them.

When I came home I found we had visitors, two lads were staying with us for the weekend. One has just found Jesus and the other says he is an atheist.
These lads fit in quite well really, they have a laugh with the other folk living in the house and they enjoy the culture and join in the worship on the noisy songs.
Something niggled me though.
I wondered, are we introducing these lads to Jesus, or just the Jesus Fellowship?
Do we want them to learn to do what we do? Or do we want them to find real faith in Jesus?

Wether it is following the prayers in the book
Wether it is fitting in with the scene
If we are just "doing church" we are missing the point.

Lindisfarne

I have just got back from 2 days away on a pilgrimage to Lindisfarne. Back in February last year I felt a real need to do something to re-affirm my celibacy and to build with celibate sisters around the church. That's when I came up with inspiration to go away to Lindisfarne on the anniversary of my vow and spend some time deliberately with Jesus and other celibates.

Planning it was well scary as I am not someone who normally initiates doing stuff. Also, loads of the people I asked could not make it 'cos there is so much else on in the church in August.
Anyway, we got it sorted, and decided to travel overnight to get there and book a second night at the campsite so that we had two full days plus a day travelling home.

I was so blessed by the sisters I went with, we really found we were of one heart together. We got to do all we wanted to, and no-one was tugging to do something different.
We did not spend a lot of time being deliberately holy, but a lot of our conversation was about God and the church and just sharing our hearts in a naturally spiritual way.

Friday morning I did go down to the beach on my own to spend some time with God. To start with I just wandered along the sand speaking in tongues. Then I started to offer God some of the things I was worried about, and some of the things I felt He was talking to me about.
I went to sit on the edge of the dunes and really felt a strong and affirming presence of God. I felt He was saying "I want to Father you".
I sat there and sobbed and cried out of love for God.
It was very healing.
(and I was so glad there was no-one else about!!!)

Thought it was nice to spend time together I was thinking it would be a shame not to talk to anyone else while we were there.
On Friday we had about three chances to talk to people who asked who we were and what were we up to, and we also got to talk to people on the campsite too before we left on Saturday. Having a Jesus Army painted car does break the ice somewhat!

The scenery on Lindisfarne is so beautiful, so wild and unspoilt.
We also had really good weather- warm enough to go about in a t-shirt and slightly cloudy so no-one got sun burned.
I came away feeling really refreshed and at peace somewhere deep inside.

RAW

We had RAW (Real and Wild) over the last few days. For me this was not so much of a "wow, amazing!" time as it was last year, but God did speak to me about some stuff....

I went to the girls only seminar on Saturday. They were talking about being a woman of God, being holy, not gossiping, and about sex and relationships. This was not stuff I felt I needed to hear for myself as I am pretty sorted on all those issues, but I wanted to hear what was being said to be able to pass it on to other younger sisters.
Anyway... at the end of the seminar I was pondering on things and I realised that I was not as free of one past relationship as I thought I was. I realised that I still wanted a piece of this person and that this was something I need to pray about.

On Friday it was quite a hard day, I was doing catering which I do enjoy. Last year I was in the kitchen with someone I did not know and we had a great time chatting and getting to know each other. This year the sister I was with did not want to chat at all, so I was disapponted about that. When I came to join in with the activitites afterwards I found it hard to find a group to join. There were folk I was able to chat with for a few minutes, but then they moved on and got on with whatever they were doing. In the evening meeting also it was hard to find someone to be with.
This all reminded me of how when I was younger I used to sit and watch other kids playing rather than join in. Mostly they did not want me to join in anyway. That memory is something else to pray into.

On Saturday I was not going to go on my own, but the errands I was going to do instead did not work out, so I decided to go. At lunchtime I planned to go down town to try one of the errands again. Just as the morning session ended a sister came to talk to me, she said "I have always noticed you in meetings and wanted to spend time with you, can we have lunch".
That was really amazing, and I had a lovely time chatting to her. I guess God was already starting to answer the stuff He had put His finger on

the best you can do for God

We had our annual church convocation on Saturday.
There were lots of business figures to go through, and also folk sharing about how the church is doing, and the prophetic word from the apostolic leaders.

One thing I got from all the business stuff was that every employee in our business is worth much more than just the wages they bring in. The "kingdom value" of what we do (wages earned, profits gained, paid time released for ministry) is 2 or 3 times than many of us would expect to be able to earn in an outside job.
So, at the times I think "I could do better than this", the truth is that I probably could not 'cos to earn the equivalent in another job would mean giving a lot of time and energy to the world, which I do not want to do.

The theme of "could I do better than this?" came up again later on in a different way.
One of the leaders was sharing about the need to have vision and for the Holy Spirit to have free reign in us.
There is so much we do which grieves the Holy Spirit. So much we do which is just naff, pointless, mediocre, missing the point. Wether it is trudging through meetings in a half-hearted manner; or spending an evening watching a video 'cos it is easier than building relationships; or letting prayer and Bible times slide in preference to more time in bed; or chatting about nonsense for fear of being "intense" or.....

General Booth from the Salvation Army chose that all there was of him should be given to God.
Jim Elliot (missionary and martyr) said "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose"
William Carey (missionary from Kettering) said "Believe great things from God, attempt great things for God.

These were men who had passion and vision and were not content to waste their lives on small things. The blunt truth is that anything not done for God is a waste of time.

I have been thinking about mortality a bit recently.
I am young; I have not known bad health; there is long life in the women on both sides of my family. So .... I presume I have a long life ahead of me and I am kind of happy with the rate I am running for God.
But what if my life was to be cut short? Would I run faster if I knew I only had a set time left?
Maybe I ought to be running as fast as I can 'cos no-one ever knows how long they have got?

And if the idea of sprinting through life like a super-hero of the faith is a bit too much?
Mother Teresa said "better to light a candle than to curse the dark".
Better to take one more step forward, to make even a small improvement, than to give up and do nothing.

luke warm

We had a very convicting Sunday meeting about being lukewarm, and it has been followed up at home too.

What got to me about it was this:
It made me think about whether I really do want to live this life, or whether I just like talking about it.
It also made me think about whether I want to live this life the way I do, or whether there is more to get out of it.

Apparently the only time the word "lukewarm" is in the Bible is in Revelations 3.

But there is loads about being half hearted or insincere
Jeremiah talks about people whose hearts are far from God
Hosea talks about people whose repentance is insincere
Jeremiah also talks about people who know what they ought to do but only make a half hearted attempt at it
Isiah talks about people who worship but their hearts are not in it

I know life is not always bouncy and fun, and there is a right sense sometimes of just keeping on pushing through BUT if everything is always a slog then something is going wrong.

I figured, I love Jesus, and I know He is amazing, so every worship time I want to let Him know how much I love Him. If I can't be bothered then I can't really love Him that much.

Bread and Wine

I just wanted to write about an amazing vision I had last night. At agape yesterday we had some worship, then dinner and chatting about the questions, then bread and wine last...

As we prayed over the bread and wine I sensed Jesus coming into the room through the door in the corner behind me. I did not hear His voice, but sensed He was saying "I have been looking forward to sharing this bread and wine with you".

As we passed the bread around He stood behind each person and put a firm hand on their shoulder. It was like He was affirming each one and saying "You are a part of my body, welcome".

Then when we took the wine Jesus was passing the cup to each person and looked right into their eyes. I could not picture his face, I could just feel His gaze. He was looking at each person the way He looked at Peter, looking right into their heart and knowing them, and loving them. It was a look of deep understanding.

When we had finished taking the bread and wine I shared this vision with everyone sat at the table. It made me cry to speak of it, and I could hear other sisters begin to weep too. That made me feel like the awe and presence of God was really there with us. I don't know why Jesus wanted to come to us like that last night.

Songs

When we sing certain songs that mean a lot to me I often say "I want this sung at my funeral". Someone once heard me saying that and thought it was really morbid, but I do not think it is really. There are certain songs which speak of seasons when God has really been at work in my life. At my funeral I want people to sing those songs to give testimony to what God has done.

When I was at sixth form college I knew I had become a Christian when I caught myself singing "Father God I wonder" in a biology lesson. Another song which meant a lot to me then was "Servant King". These songs both spoke to me of a relationship with God/Jesus which I never knew was possible.

When I first came around the church the favourite songs at the time included "Happy are the People" and "This is my family" and "Freedom in Jesus". This to me was part of the revelation that the church was God's people and there was a real sense of belonging and finding my place in the family of God.

Later on, around the time when I decided to move into community we were singing "Don't join the rat race" and "Brotherhood love has come my way" and "Well I hear the call to leave all I have behind"

"My first love is a blazing fire" always reminds me of everyone dancing in the living room on the evening I celebrated my celibacy vow. Compared to that "More than oxygen I need your love" reminds me of the week I spent walking up and down the beach in Bournemouth deciding whether to jack everything in.

Fast forward a good few years and the recent songs which have inspired me include "I am free to dance, I am free to live for you" and "Jump Jump". Just 'cos I am enjoying being more free now than I ever have been before.

Anyway... the next few posts will be songs which have really really meant a lot to me