Testimony- the teen years

Testimony- teen years.

When I first became a Christian I did not have a church to go to and I though I wanted to take my faith seriously my life was still in a mess.

If you had met me aged 17-19 I would have been dressed in a way to provoke a reaction from you... something like hot pants with thick patterned tights and an over sized jumper; or jeans with painted hand prints and a denim jacket covered in multi coloured patches. It was a self-defence thing 'cos I had low self esteem and getting a reaction was a way to prove it was your problem and not mine.

When I met the sisters from this church I fell in love with the way they dressed simply and modestly and the way they were valued as sisters. They were not potential dates like in the world or potential wives like in the other churches. The way I dressed quickly changed once I decided to get baptised. Not because I was conforming to “the way the church does things” but because I was finding peace and acceptance and my identity as a woman of God.

At the time I came to the church I also had eating problems, I used to go on phases of not eating and of over eating. I used to have “rituals” to do with food and I lost all sense of what was normal eating and there was no way I could enjoy food in a social setting.

Being around people in the church who were totally normal about food brought me loads of healing, and with growing self-acceptance I found real healing. I remember once standing in the kitchen crying rather than face taking a tray of tea around. Also when I was first at the warehouse I refused to go to the Cakery because I could not cope being around so much cake. I now supervise the Cakery and have done catering for up to 80 people. What would have absolutely terrified me is now a part of normal life.

The last thing to be “sorted” from my teen years has actually been quite recent...

I was not a “classic” self-harmer, so you won't see scars up my arms, but there was plently of self-hatred that used to spring up to condemn me from time to time. I did not really think I had a problem until there was an item in one of the marquee meetings about self harm and I found myself blocking my ears and stamping my feet 'cos I could not cope. I had prayer from someone after that meeting, and then some months later I felt God was putting his finger on some feelings of shame I carried so I decided to get some more prayer. The same person had word from God that they should pray for me and was waiting for me at the response time! To be free from shame was a big thing and I had “unashamed” on a poster above my bed for a long while.

This year at the Praise Day there was another item that mentioned self harm. Inside my head there was something shouting “shut up, shut up, shut up” all through the item. It was a right battle to go for prayer, but I decided to ask a particular sister who I saw as wise and discreet to pray for me. I shared all the stuff that made me feel so bad and made me want to hurt myself. She prayed for me for deliverance and I really truly have been so free since. I have been in situations since then that would have triggered self hatred and just have not had those feelings.

Testimony

Quite often in our meetings people are asked to testify to what God has done in their lives. I am normally quite reluctant to share anything 'cos what I have to say does not quite fit with the point the speaker is trying to make. I do think though that testimony is important.

When we testify we are giving thanks for what God has done, and we make sure that we do not forget. Often in the Old Testament, when God had done something amazing, people set up a marker stone or an altar and named it in praise of what God had done. They did this to remember and remind future generations.

The Jewish Passover is the biggest testimony as every year they have the sacrificial meal and remember how God brought the people out of Egypt. At that meal there are set questions the youngest child will ask as a way of passing on the memory.

I definitely think that we grow ungrateful if we do not remember what God has done. What was a miracle becomes common place. We are like the Israelites who were rescued from Egypt and crossed through the Red Sea and then complained about having to travel through the desert!

The most powerful example of testimony I found in the Bible is from Revelations

This is more than “Jesus healed me of my ingrown toenail”. These are the martyrs whose lives were given for the sake of Jesus. Those who would not stop speaking about Jesus and the Kingdom of God, and we praise God for these ones who paid with their lives.

I recently read the book “Rachel's Tears” which is based on extracts from the diary of one of the teenagers shot at Columbine Hight School. People knew her as someone who “walked the talk” and tried to demonstrate her faith in the way she behaved. After she died her diaries were a testimony to the depth of relationship she did have with God. People praised God because of her testimony.

I had been thinking about the subject of testimony before I read the book, but reading it made me want to speak up for God in my life, so when I die people will know I know my God.

So... for the next few blogs I want to testify to some landmarks in my life and praise God for the journey he is taking me on.

Middleness

It seems to me like one big struggle in Christian life is not to settle into middleness. Compromised comfortable nothingness. Like a motel set up on the path into the wilderness we stop travelling on and settle down. Comfortable that we are not where we once were, but so far short of where we could/should be. We can testify to knowing the Holy Spirit, but people around us cannot really see any difference in our lives, it's like subscribing to a cook book club but never getting around to making or tasting what we read about.

Casting Crowns sing a song called “Somewhere in the middle” which has inspired me about middleness. Phrases like “deep water faith in the shallow end” so sum up where I often find myself. I get inspired by God and long for the reckless faith that will risk all for God, but I also want the safety of familiar surroundings and trusted boundaries.

The story “The King of the Land in the Middle” talks about a country where everything was “in the middle”, where there were no extremes- either for good or for bad. The story starts when the king of the land has hot coffee for the very first time, and by the end of the story the people start to take risks and experience the extremes of life- the deepest. sorrows as well as the highest joys.

That's one of the things about middleness- you might set out to protect yourself from the things that hurt, but you also end up missing out on the best things of life. Life is only full when lived to both extremes.

Last night in the meeting we were provoked about our recent experiences of the Holy Spirit. We say we are a Holy Spirit filled people, but our testimonies to the Spirit moving are 5 or 10 or 15 years ago! We were challenged whether we are ready for the Holy Spirit to do something amazing now.
This was good timing for me 'cos I have been feeling spiritually hungry again recently. I was writing a list on Friday of 5 things I want to do before I am 40 (which is only 6 years away). This will of course mean getting started on them right away!

This is a scripture that make sense of what I have been trying to say: Paul talks about taking hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
That means not failing to achieve the potential God had put in you and the Holy Spirit has inspired in you. It means not giving up half way and coasting from average middle age to bored old-age.

Another scripture talks about a householder who can bring old and new stuff out of the storehouse. In practice this means having fresh new living experiences of faith and Holy Spirit life, as well as the foundation stuff from years ago.

There is also the scary one from Revelation about being lukewarm and spewed out of God's mouth. That's the thing really... "middleness" is just another word for "lukewarm". Though it is nice and comfortable it is a dangerous place to be- a bit like a frog in a pan of water that is being slowly boiled alive.

statistics

I realised the following yesterday:-

• I became a Christian when I was 17, so next year when I am 34 I will have been a Christian for half of my life
• The following year I will have been in this church for half of my life
• I have lived in Kettering for 8 years, which is half of the time I have spent in the church and a quarter of my life.
• I have been living in community for just over a third of my life
  
• I have been celibate for about a third of my life.

So whats so amazing about that?
Well, I thought it was worth recording 'cos God is into Numbers- there is a whole book of the Bible devoted to them (!).

Also, I guess it says that God is faithful to keep us, and it testifies to the long term power of commitment. I made some of my commitments at a relatively young age (baptised age 18, community age 21, celibacy age 23). I can now say that it was not all "something you grow out of" but more "something you grow into".

I believe the choices I have made have been foundations in my life and will bear fruit long into the future. It provokes me to look hard at the choices I make now and make sure I am still keeping true to the path I have started on, to make sure that having come this far I do not knock myself down by making bad or weak choices.

I have always said that I do not want to get to 40 or 50 and lose the plot 'cos I have not sorted out my issues along the way. Making the right choices is one way to make sure that does not happen.

Difficult Scriptures 4

Revelations

Dunno if it is allowed to put a whole book of the Bible under the heading “difficult scriptures”, but this is my blog, so my rules, so I shall =)

I find Revelations really hard and a big part of my issues with it probably is coming from a Christadelphian background when people spent loads of time trying to predict the second coming and interpret “the signs of the times”. During Communism the signal for the end of the world was going to come out of Russia, now it is going to come out of Iran. I have to be very careful not to get cynical about it all.

The thing with Revelations is that there is loads of picture language in there, half of which we do not understand 'cos we are not readig it with the mindset of first centuary Jews. Stuff that would have been so obvious to them misses the point on us.

There is also stuff in there that is history, that is current, that is for the future, and that is eternal. How do you know which bit of history you are on? Or even if you are outside of history altogether?

Some things I do get.
I understand that heaven will be awesome, and perfect, and full of worship. I also understand that it is a glorious mystery to us.
I also understand that there is a real spiritual battle to be fought, but Jesus has “read the end of the book” for us, so we know we win in the end.

I was talking to someone on the way home earlier this week about being creative and how humans can never be truly original because we can only use the materials God has given us- we have never yet made anything from nothing. Likewise even in stories like CS Lewis Perelandra, authors can never describe anything without using terms we already understand like colours or references from what God has created e.g. “a strange new plant taller than a man but not as tall as a tree”

What's this got to do with Revelations? Well, I think part of why it is so incomprehensible is that the writer was trying to describe stuff that has never been seen on earth, so he ran out of words to describe it and we run out of references to understand it by.

Anyway, last night someone was talking to a visitor who had decided to get a taste of the Bible by reading the last and the first books, and were then quite confused by Revelations. The advise given was to read the gospels first and get to know Jesus then, “rather than worrying about what is going to happen, you will be ready when it does happen”. That's sound advice.

One day I will probably be ready to read Revelations (and understand it!) but for now I think I will concentrate on knowing Jesus better. After all John who wrote Revelations was not a theologian or an expert on religious imagery, he was the one who loved Jesus dearly and lay on His breast. Maybe the understanding of the mysteries comes from intimacy with Jesus and being truly in the presence of the Holy Spirit?

Aliens

Living on a different planet.

This though occurred to me in a staff meeting about how to manage stress:
We are spiritual people living in a natural world, so there is always going to be some stress/tension 'cos this is not our natural environment. It's a bit like when astronauts go to the moon- they have to take all sorts of precautions because the environment they encounter is alien, it is fighting against their bodies and would eventually destroy them if they were not protected against it.

Have I lost the plot here? I don't think so 'cos Peter compared us to aliens or exiles living on this earth.

Though alien makes us think of little green men with antennae and boggly eyes, this is the dictionary meaning
alien noun 1 a foreign-born resident of a country who has not adopted that country's nationality. 2 especially science fiction an inhabitant of another planet. 3 bot a plant introduced to an area by human agency rather than by nature. adj 1 foreign. 2 (usually alien to someone or something) not in keeping with them or it; unfamiliar.

So... the point I am making is, we are meant to be different, to feel a bit odd. We are spiritual people in a largely non-spiritual world. We are citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven living here on earth. The world is full of natural people, but we have been born again supernaturally, they are part of the old creation, but we are new creations.

Jesus talked quite a bit about how different we are:
We are a city on a hill, a light in the darkness.
We are known as His and will be rejected as He was.

So, we are odd. A peculiar (or distinct) people!

Difficult Scriptures 3

The Sheep and the Goats
I have always found this parable really hard:

When I used to read it as Sunday School it was hard because in my middle class childhood I was really unlikely to come across anyone who needed food or clothes, or even anyone who needed visiting in prison.
Nowadays the dilema is that I do meet people in need, and I don't know what the balance is between loving people as Jesus would and plainly getting ripped off.
I know very well that someone with a drug habit will do anything to feed that habit.
I know that we can easily fill up our mealtimes with people who just want a free dinner, and our community houses with people who just need a bed, but I am sure we are not meant to be social services to people.

James said faith without works is dead, and quite rightly we cannot ignore our social responsibilities, but works without faith is maybe even more dead. I am sure Jesus does not want a pious or patronising “doing good” that does not actually care about people as people.
In the Jesus Centres we are able to help people in a way we cannot in our homes, and the vision is to make sure the whole thing is firmly based on Jesus. But I don't think it is good enough for me to say “I belong to a church that does these things” 'cos I don't do any shifts at the Jesus Centre anyway!

Going back to not being able to help everyone who comes to the door...There is this scripture I could quote to try to salve my conscience “pearls before swine”
BUT I don't find Jesus putting in a clause “only help those who deserve it” or “only give practical help to those who also want to enter the kingdom of God”

So..... where does my conscience settle on this one?

It is hard to apply “whatever you did to the least of these you did unto me” to someone who is behaving in a way that Jesus never would. I mean, however hungry or dirty he was, I am sure Jesus did not threaten to smash your windows in if you crossed his will or nick people's bags while they were eating.

Maybe some of the answer is seeing people as individuals and not as a collective group of “alkies” “junkies”, “needy people” or just “them” that we can't trust. Maybe I need to be ready to love the next person who comes along and not hold the sins of “the others” against them. To be “wise as serpents but innocent as doves”

In Acts Peter was struggling with the issue of what to do with Non-Jews who were finding faith in Jesus.
I think what he is saying here is that the gospel is available without limit to all who want it. So our love should be available without limit.
Whatever compassion we are able to show, it is the love of Jesus working through us. But if people reject Jesus in us, I suppose there is nothing more we can do.
The bottom line is that, although anyone is welcome, Jesus is really the only thing we have to offer.

But.... so long as my conscience is still struggling to find love for the person stood infront of me I am still scared of going to hell with the goats.

Difficult Scripture 2

This is the parable of the shrewd manager

As I see it this chap is suspected of being dishonest, so when he is called to account he fiddles the books to get a few friends on his side who will help him out when he gets sacked.

I get the point Jesus makes later on that if you are dishonest in small things you will also be dishonest in bigger things.
I also get the point that the world is much more shrewd than the kingdom when it comes to dealing with money- but I reckon that's because we try to be honest and kind in our dealings and don't lie or con people.

The bit I don't get is that Jesus commends him for being shrewd. I reckon he deserves to be blasted for his dishonesty- Can anyone explain this one for me?

I also get stuck with verse 9

I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings

Any offers on this one?

Difficult Scriptures 1

1 Corinthians 10:13
This is saying we will not be tempted more than we can cope with, but I reckon the evidence of life shows we ARE tempted more than we can cope with because in times of crisis or temptation we DO fall and we DO fail.

These are a few ideas that try to match the promise that we are not tempted more that we can cope with, and the evidence that sometimes it is all too much and we fail.

• God does know how much we can cope with, just in our moment of crisis we fail to grab a hold of the life belt he throws to us.
• The temptation was not too much for us, just we wanted to do whatever it was so did not fight the temptation hard enough
• The failure we have gone through is not the end of the story. God is into the bigger picture and the lessons we will learn in the long term will strengthen our character and give God glory.

The Bible is full of people who love God but mess up. Moses had a bad temper and murdered someone. David had a problem with women, commited adultery and had the woman's husband killed to cover it up. Peter promised never to deny Jesus and tried to kill someone to stop them arresting Him, and then he denied Him, ran away, and went back to his old life after the crucifixion.

These people were still used by God loads. Moses got to see God face to face. David knew God deeply and wrote the Psalms, including ones that prophesy about Jesus. Peter was re-comissioned and led the church after Pentecost.

So... another thought is that God knows that the temptations and failures will not be enough to destroy His plan for us. So the promise that it will not be “too much to endure” might actually mean more like “so much as to wreck your whole life”???

But that still does not sit right with me 'cos I do know people who have wrecked their whole life. People who have gone back to drugs and killed themselves young without getting back to God. Or people who are so much less than they used to be 'cos they have given in or given up 'cos things got too tough.

Looking at the people above, Moses temper eventually meant he did not get to enter the Promised Land. David's violent life meant he could not build the temple and his children by different wives caused all sorts of problems after his death. They still had consequences to deal with even though God was gracious to them.

The only person who did live without sinning was Jesus.
The biggest struggle He went through was Gethsemane.
Jesus was fully human as well as being God, I think the battle of facing the cross was too much for Him to humanly bear. The battle of Gethsemane was the battle for Jesus' will, it was the battle for human will to be broken and handed over to God, it was the battle for all mankind to be able to say “Your will be done”.

Jesus prayed “if it is possible” not to have to go through with the cross, but He got to the point where He agreed with the Father's will that he should go through with it. In His human weakness he was able to find Divine strength.

On the cross Jesus faced the battle again- he felt totally abandoned. He cried out “My God, why have you forsaken me?” but in that abondonement was able to also pray “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit”. Jesus was totally broken of all his human strength and so Jesus leads the way for everyone who finds their difficulties too much. He showed that we cannot handle what we are going through- the point is we can and should hand it over to the Father.

So, thats the point where I can reconcile myself to this verse. I do find things are too much for me sometimes, but the Holy Spirit in me links me to Jesus who was able to surrender to the Father and find strength there. So the strength to get me through is not my own, it is Divine. It will not be easy, but the strength I need is available once I give up my own strength.

Difficult Scriptures Intro

Do you ever come across bits in the Bible that you really wish were not there? Or bits that never will make sense, however often you hear someone talk about them in a meeting?

I think there is a tendancy for Christians to focus on the bits they do like or do understand, and kind of hope the rest will go away. As a church we have tried to "do the difficult bits", hence you will find people among us who live in community, or are celibates, or are from the "poor of society". We do believe that the gifts of the Holy Spirit are real and for today, and the thing that changed the church from a traditional baptist church to what it is today was people praying along the lines "God, if what I read is real then I want to see it happening today"

BUT I don't really think it is good enough to belong to a church that does such things and not make a decent attempt to be reconciled to the hard bits of the Bible personally. I don't think we can do faith second hand.
SO this is the beginning of a series (however long) about the bits of the Bible I find hard...

odd socks

For some months now (probably since about February 'cos that's when I got a load of coloured socks for my birthday) I have worn deliberately odd socks. I know a load of teenagers who do the same as a bit of a fashion statement, but I am not trying to be a teenager.

Socks do the same job whatever colour they are. Some people may be too poor to buy new socks and maybe forced to wear odd ones. Would you think less of them because of that?

To some folk it really matters that all their clothes match. Or they make a real effort to make sure everything fits into a colour scheme. Does it offend your pride if I wear odd socks?

Some people have disfigurements that make everyone stare, or have red hair, or have coloured skin.
Do you cope with people who are different to you? Does it make you uncomfortable?

Sometimes people have huge big arguments about what is right or wrong, but they pick the most petty things to be right or wrong about. Would you rather lose a friend than your opinion?

You might think that if I am wearing odd socks then I must be a bit odd, maybe even eccentric or mental. Do you judge people by their appearance?

Some people like everything done their way, they don't cope with things not being “ the way they should be” or “they way they always are”. They get into a right state when someone does something differently. Do you get insecure when something is different, or not the way you expect it to be?

Thinking about it, there are lots of things that odd socks could provoke you into thinking about, but the fact is the reason why I do it is because it does not really matter wether my socks match or not. This is my way of saying I want to focus on the things that do matter and not on the things that don't.

A chance to testify

I was getting a bit down about working in the department I do 'cos we are in the corner in the far end of the warehouse. Other departments have contact with the outside world, they customers or delivery drivers to talk to and we are stuck in our box with no windows.
Anyway, over the summer God really encouraged me about the opertunities I do have.

I had an invite from one of our suppliers to join them in their annual outing- horseracing. It was nice to be asked, but I could not really see myself joining in gambling and drinking with the rest of them. When the rep came to drop in some samples she asked me about it and I kind of squirmed out of it, and though she laughed she did say “I think you are making excuses”

When she rang up to check on the samples I had not done anything with them, and made the excuse that I had been on annual leave- I had been at RAW. Anyway, she asked me what I had been doing, so I took a deep breathe and told her I had been at a church youth event.

She asked which church, and was then genuinely interested when I told her about kingdom businesses and community. She said “so that's why you didn't want to go horseracing” so I had to admit I had been a coward not to tell her about us before. Then she asked “So, what does your boyfriend think about it- I know you've got one 'cos you wear a ring” Time for a deep breath and explain all about celibacy!
I was sat in the office thinking “I don't believe I am having this conversation”

A couple of weeks later a customer was coming to see our marketing manager and called in advance to ask me to go for lunch with him. I deal with him often and find his manner very off-putting- I only cope by pulling faces while I put on a polite phone voice. I hate business lunches with a passion, and with him – no way. Anyway, after the invite he did not mention it again so I hoped he had forgotten.

When he arrived he was over an hour early, and called me on my mobile to explain he was outside and could I show him around. Time for a big fib! “No problem” I said and spent the next hour showing him around and drinking tea and talking about nothing in particular- but at least he had forgotten about lunch- so I thought. As he went into the meeting he said “You haven't forgotten lunch have you?” so I had to madly get some money and find out somewhere to go 'cos I figured the burger bar on the industrial estate would not be apropriate.

As it happens by lunch time he was not in any mood to talk about business and another lady from the same company came with us was.
Its funny how when people are talking about their lives, and ask you about yours all the answers come out “God” and “Church”. They were really interested in what we do and what we are and they got my testimony and the whole “covenant, community, celibacy” thing too. This chap was especially interested in that we are all Christians and that we can offer work to people off the streets, he was asking about our “success rate” and I was proud to be able to tell him about brothers who have come off drink or drugs and are doing really well sorting their lives out.

Anyway, after these amazing conversations I was so encouraged, and then the rep from another company we buy from dropped in. As he was new he asked “so, is this a family business?” and I began to explain how the business is owned by the church and lots of us live in community. Anyway, I think he was a bit freaked out 'cos he had been to visit a company the day before who were also a Christian Community!

I guess the thing about it all is- we do all get more chances to testify to God than we realise. And even if we do not get the chance to do the talking we are part of the testimony other people can tell. I am proud that we are living for what we believe in, and we can tell people “look, it works, here are the people who are doing it with me”

God n Science

I was talking to a lady sat on a bench in town recently. She says she does not believe in God because she is a scientist. I find that very interesting, because I have a science degree and I do believe in God. I told her how I have studied science and I so clearly see God in the way things are made and put together. Anyway this lady was convinced we are just a load of chemicals banging together.

The problem with the theory that we are just chemicals is that we are so clearly not. If we were just chemicals where would love be? or joy? or beauty? There is no need for any of that if we did not have a soul or a spirit. The lady did admit that she could not explain away the fact that she does have a soul, but she still could not make the step to believe we are created by God to know Him.

When I was at university we had a professor who lectured on the structure of starch molecules (which as it happens is extremely tedious). This guy could so clearly see the hand of God that he virually evangelised us on the different crystalline structures and repeat patterns of molecules and so on. Infact, if starch was not formed the way it is, it would not be possible to make bread.

Recently I have been reading a book which explains how more and more scientists are having to admit there is a divine creator. This covers areas of science that I have some knowldge of like biochemistry and evolution and those I have no idea about like physics or astronomy. The thing is, it all points to there being a reason why we are here. Science alone cannot explain WHY we and the planet we live on are so precisely and perfectly made, or why we appear to be unique in the universe. I know there is still a jump from belief in the divine to belief in Jesus as we know Him, but I find it amazing to realise that what is written in Romans about God showing Himself through creation is being proved by science. It's all totally mind-boggling and just provokes the response “Wow, God!

Celibacy Testimony- Part Three

Part Three- The Blessings

Well, it has taken me a while to get around to writing about the blessings of celibacy, but that does not mean I am having to scrape the barrel to find them!

The thing with the blessings of celibacy is that the gift is not like a slot machine, it is not like you post so much in and you get so much back out. The gift is a lifestyle thing, and it is a tool or path towards a fulfilled and blessed life, but not a guarantee or a free plane ticket to paradise. This means that the blessings are harder to quantify and identify.

One way to think of the blessings is to think of all the things that I am now doing that I would not be able to do if I was not a celibate. The biggest one is that I work in one of our kingdom businesses and I have quite a responsible job, if had got married the likelihood is that I would have kids by now, and so would not be working any more. Working in the business is one ministry that I would have had to give up to be a wife/mother. Working in the business has also been a big training ground for me, and it gives me the opportunity to input the girls who work in the department, and not being somone who is mega out-going and popular I do really appreciate the contact with people that I would not normally meet.

I would also dare to say that there is an intimacy in worship that a celibate person can reach into that is not the same for a married person. Not that married people do not experience deep and intimate worship, but it will be more so for a celibate person. When I sing “Jesus, you are my first love” or “You are my passion” I really do mean it, and despite what I said about it not being a slot machine, there is a measure that God does honour the sacrifice and especially bless celibates who seek his presence.

Celibacy Testimony - Part Two

The struggles

Why do I want to talk about the struggles with celibacy?

Because I don't want to paint a rosy picture that is not true, because I believe in being honest and because I honestly believe that the struggles can be won and it is possible to live in the celibate gifting long-term.

There are kind of two ways that the struggles come: Struggling with the “sex, hormones and emotions” side of it (a bit like the hunger pangs when you are trying to fast) and struggling with the “spiritual” side of it (a bit like when you mean to fast and pray, but then don't actually get any praying done).

I think the biggest battle that all celibates face is keeping the gift alive. We have made the sacrifice and chosen the life for a purpose, but it is so easy to let it slide into merely “un-marriedness” and live an ineffective boring life- just without a partener. The celibate life is meant to be a power source within. It is mean to spring out of passionate love for Jesus, and spur us into passionate acts of love, service and devotion to Him and the Church, for the Kingdom sake.

But enough of the theory, this is me:

There have been some big battles on the “sex, hormones and emotions” side of things. I don't want to go into details 'cos it implicates third persons- which is not fair. What I can say is, being celibate does not make you immune to falling in love with someone, it does not make you immune from other people falling in love with you, it does not mean you will not get hassled/abused/assaulted.
After all the battles I still call myself a celibate. I still claim and hold onto the purity of the gift, and to be honest I have become more stubborn in my determination to hold true.

To live as a celibate day to day there are of course choices to be made to be sure I am not doing anything that would undermine my celibate gift. Celibacy is more than “not having sex”, it is about being set apart for Jesus and being pure and holy in body, soul and spirit.
I have to be very careful about what I read because I have the kind of mind that does not forget things easily. I do not read novels, and I often have to stop reading and turn the page in the newspaper. I would not watch a film that would fill my head with stuff I can do without.
Also, if I look at someone and think “hmmm” then I have to look away quick smart. If I am in a meeting and seem to be shading my eyes from the lighting, it is more likely I am deliberately blocking my view of a person who is distracting to me! I know what fashion or physique I find striking, and I chose not to feast my eyes on that.
I do not have any blokes numbers on my phone (except leaders and work numbers) so there isn't the tempatation to send or receive txt messages that could border on the over-familiar.

One of my biggest struggles is feeling lonely sometimes. Little things like not having someone to stand with in a queue, or no-one saving you a seat in a meeting, or being on your own at a family wedding/funeral. Those things get to me, they make me feel “If I had a husband, he would look out for me.” Its at times like this I have to remember that I do have a husband- and He is more faithful to me than any human could ever be. I also have to remember that God did ask me “What if I never give you anyone especially for you...?” and I chose that choice.
Having a wide range of wholesome friendships really is a life line to a celibate. It is also, when you think about it, what celibacy is all about: Choosing not to have one person specially there for you, so you can be there for lots of others. Celibate life should over flow in a wide range of relationships.

Other celibates who give up the vow is one thing that I do find really really hard, especially if it is someone I look up to or someone I esteem for enduring the hard times. I could have given up my vow at one point, but I realised that if I love someone then I would want the best for them, and the best for them would not be me. We had some teaching about being married for God once, and that helped me conclude that I could not build a marriage vow upon a broken celibate vow. There is a bit in one of the “Hawk and the Dove” books where Brother Tom runs away for a woman , and comes back because he knows he cannot vow to her when he is already vowed to God. I was so amazed when I read that because that was how I felt about things, and there it was in print!

Having said that, I know celibates do leave their vows, for many and varied reasons, and there is grace for people to be restored and re-find their place in the church. But... I know a lot of people who have been really hurt by those who have turned back and I do not want to hurt people like that. I know people who will not consider the celibate gift, or do not respect it because so many have turned back. That's really sad, and I would not want to cause someone else to struggle because of what I have done, because I have not been true.

Celibacy Testimony - Part One

This summer I have been celibate for 10 years.

I took my vow on 17 August 1996, but I don't count the first year 'cos I found things really hard and I “restarted” in August 1997.

This is the beginning of a few blogs about the celibate life, starting with how/why I became celibate.

Once I had graduated from uni and moved into community I was pretty desperate to know wether I would be celibate or married, at 23 years old I thought I was getting on a bit(!!) and needed to know which way I was going. I would now advise anyone to wait until they have matured a bit in their gifts 'cos then it will be clearer wether your gifts/ministries would be best used as a married or as a celibate person.

I spent quite a lot of time thinking about marriage and about celibacy. I remember when I was first in the church trying to look really holy when I was worshipping so the brothers would think I looked like a good choice for a wife. Then someone told me that I carried a celibate spirit when I worshipped and I stopped worshipping for a while!

I think I knew deep down in my spirit that when I was baptised and made covenant with this church, that community and celibacy would follow. I have always felt that either God is no real and worth nothing, or He is real and He is worth everything. This did not stop me falling for someone in the Christian Union at university. Afer we had spent an evening kissing on the sofa he asked if we could pray, and prayed along the lines “Thankyou God for this Christian girlfriend whom I hope will one day be my wife”. I had to quickly explain “erm.... I think I should tell you that I'm pretty sure God has called me to community, and maybe to celibacy, sorry for messing you around but....”

In one of the presentations the church used to do (“Bleeding Life”) there was a short video of familes in a shopping centre and the Dads had their kids on their shoulders. I had a lot of issues about that 'cos my Dad was not very affectionate like that. In time I got healing over the “Dad thing” and then one meeting, out of the blue, I felt God was asking me “What if I never gave you anyone especially for you?” God never said “I want you to be celibate”, just “What if.."

One particular day I went for a walk and thought/prayed about all the advantages and disadvantages of both marriage and celibacy. I needed to know what, for me, would be the cross and the blessing and the pitfalls of each. In the end the conclusion I came to was that, for me, celibacy would be a goad, it would make me responsible for my own walk with God and motivate me to be active in my spiritual life. As a celibate there is no-one for me to hide behind or lean on.

When I went to my first celibates meeting the friend I went with kindly got us seats right at the front of the meeting. The worship and teaching were amazing. Then at the end Noel said for those who wanted to receive the gift to stand up. I thought, “I can't, my spirit will explode if I do that” then I heard (one of the few times I have audibly heard) God saying “Well, I'll bless you where you are then” and in that moment I received an anointing of laughter and shaking. It was a release of the Holy Spirit like I had never known before. I was staying at another community house that night, with people I did nt know that well, and in the car I was still laughing and shaking and I was thinking “God, this is so unlike me, what is going on?” and He said (audibly again) “I am just taking your fears away”.
I think if I did not respond to a confirmation like that then I would be more than a bit dense!

The celibate meeting was in October 1995, and it took me until November to talk to my shepherd about doing a probationary year. (I am not very good at talking to people about what is going on) In August 1996 I knew the gift was me. I was prompted by another sister of my age taking her vow to tell my shepherd that I had made my decision. It was thundering that evening and the house was full of visitors so we had to go for a walk to talk. The community house I lived in then was on the edge of the red-light area so it was a bit bizarre in the heavy rain with prostitutes on the corner to be talking about committing myself to a celibate life. Anyway, when we got back to the house he and his wife prayed for me in their bedroom, and I prayed to God what I wanted to say to Him. When I had done that it felt amazing, not as emotional as the celibate meeting, but I still went around with a grin like a Cheshire cat for a week after. I was TOTALLY in love with Jesus. About a month later I had a celebration (bit like a wedding reception) to publically confirm the vow, the people in the house made me a card, a cake with white icing and a silver ring (tinfoil) on it, and someone wrote me a song.

My parents (who were not part of this church then) were cool about me making a celibate vow. When I rang them to tell them my Dad said “I thought you would” and Mum said “Oh, that means I won't have any grandchildren (my sister has since done the grandchildren bit). Celibates in our church often wear a silver ring on their wedding finger as a sign on their vow. Dad asked to buy my ring for me which was very special- though I don't quite know what the chap in the jewellers thought when he asked wether the ring was for a special occasion and Dad blurted out in the crowded shop “She's become a celibate- she is married to Jesus!”

Rock of Ages

Have you ever seen a young child throw a temper tantrum? Do you ever feel like doing the same?
To be able to scream and shout and say express that its not fair, you don't understand and you don't like it.
To be able to stamp and hit someone who is big enough and loving enough to cope with us until we calm calm down and let them love us and explain what is really going on and make everything in our small world all OK again.

I think we do very often hit out at those we love when we are hurt, because we need the reassurance of someone who is bigger/stronger/more able to cope, and the only way we can test if they are up to it is to push them to the limit.

Years ago I was having a stress-out at God about stuff, and it was like He very patiently pointed out to me that the Rock I was banging my head against was the One I was supposed to be leaning on. That wisdom is something I have come back to time and time again, and at the moment it is particularly relevant.

This hymn kind of expresses the need to hide in God, to lean on Him and find security in Him:

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

Let me hide myself in Thee;

Let the water and the blood,

From Thy riven side which flowed,

Be of sin the double cure;

Save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labour of my hands

Can fulfil Thy law’s demands;

Could my zeal no respite know,

Could my tears for ever flow,

All for sin could not atone;

Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,

Simply to the cross I cling;

Naked, come to Thee for dress;

Helpless, look to Thee for grace;

Foul, I to the fountain fly;

Wash me, Saviour, else I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,

When my eyelids close in death,

When I soar to worlds unknown,

See Thee on Thy judgement throne,

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

Let me hide myself in Thee.

thoughts about prayer-3

Ever heard the saying "no-one is an atheist in a plane that's going down"?
I guess this refers to the fact that everyone will call out to God in their moments of panic/dispair.
I had one of those moments a little while ago- I drove our car up the hill near where I used to live, but it's 20 years since I lived there and I had forgotten how steep it was. The result was that the car stalled and the handbrake was not strong enough to hold the car from rolling backwards down the hill- infact nothing worked except putting the footbrake full on. My prayer in that moment was "Jesus! Help! NOW" And did he help?

Well, the car rolled until it went up a bank and got stuck leaning precariously towards the drivers side. After some unhelpful phone calls for assistance I got out, and found I only had 3 wheels on the ground. Was I glad the car had not tipped right over!
I then went to find a friendly farmer- and despite all the signs and warnings that I was trespassing on a private drive, the farmer was really friendly. He pulled the car off the bank, and around the corner to flat ground so I could turn around. He even offered to ride down to the village to check the car was OK (though I did not take him up on the offer).
Once back in the village I found the car worked fine, the tyres were not damaged, the paintwork was not scratched, nothing at all wrong as far as I could tell.
So, yes, God did answer my prayer.
I would rather not have got stuck, but it could have been much much more serious and He did get me out!

So what is the moral of the story?(Apart from not driving big cars up steep hills!)
Just that God is faithful to answer us and that His answers are not limited to "spiritual things only"

It also makes me think that if God is so great, I would like to get to know him much better. I could treat Him like an heavenly AA man who will respond in a crisis, but I would much rather have a friend, a father, a husband even.
The AA man will fix my car on the roadside, but the friends I can really rely on are those I have got to know well, those with whom I have gone through the difficult times and come out the other side.
Definitely worth putting in the time in prayer to get to know God really well.

thoughts about prayer-2

This is another slightly random thought about prayer and praying, which keeps coming back to me...

Do we believe more in the prayer than the God who answers the prayer?

What makes me ask that question?
Well, several things really that I have heard people saying, such as:
"I got some prayer, but it did not work"
"He prayed for me, but he didn't pray properly"
"I won't ask them to pray 'cos it did not work last time"
"I never get healed when she prays"
"I need 'Fred' to pray for me- no-one else is good enough"

There are people with particularly anointed ministries in prayer/healing/intercession/deliverance, and I fully support them. But I do also believe that anyone can pray and God listens to us all

Some of our prayers God does not answer- that's up to Him.
Some of our prayers God answers in a way we do not expect- that's up to Him too.
It is God who answers, and our heart when we pray is the important thing.

I fully believe in praying for people, but I am nervous incase we get superstitous about prayer in itself and don't focus on God who answers.

Do you get what I mean?

thoughts about prayer-1

I have been thinking a lot about prayer and why we pray. This post is the first of a few I will do (to save you the pain of reading through reeaally loooong one)

SO

Do we mean what we say when we pray?

What provoked me was a couple of practical things at home (and those who know me will probably know what I am referring too, BUT I am not "getting at anyone", I am just provoked into thinking about things)

First thing was quite a while ago. We were moving around rooms and furniture in our community house and working out what to get rid of. Which is fine. Except we also pray regularly for more people to join us, and we would really like a young married couple in our house, who would likely bring kids along, and some of the changes we were making would actually make it harder for them to move in.
If we really had faith for the new couple, would we have their room ready for them???

Next scenario is: Grace before dinner.
I admit I do not say grace before my breakfast or before lunch at work, but when we gather together in the evenings we do always say grace. This is more than the "For-what-we-are-about-to-receive-may-the-Lord-make-us-truly-thankful" that we used to rattle off at school. We share some inspiration, sing a song, pray about things that are important at the moment and do a bit more than just thank God for the dinner 'cos we are hungry and want to get on with it.
On Saturday we said grace, started to dish up the dinner, and were met by shouting and slamming of doors as someone expressed their disapproval of what had been served.
But we had all just thanked God for it. Did we not mean that?
I cannot point the finger here 'cos though I have not slammed doors at the sight of leftovers, I have been known to mutter through clenched teeth that "tinned tomatoes are wrong and kippers are part of the fall" as I ploughed my way through my dinner.

I don't actually think that furniture and dinners are the big issues here. What gets my attention is the realisation that we can so easily pray one thing and then behave differently. Is there the risk that we get used to being insincere?

It makes me look a bit harder at myself, and check up wether I am "going through the motions" or trying to "say the right thing".

The challenge to me is to make sure I am sincere before I pray/worship/speak.... and to get sorted quick if I am not!

Denominations

Following on with common questions asked by "the-man-on-the-street". If we all believe in Jesus, why are there so many different kinds of churches, and why do we not get on with each other?

In a basic sense I do not have a problem with denominations in the sense of different churches having a different emphasis in the way they work out the Christian faith. It's cool by me if some are more into missions and others are more into workship. Or if some are more into litergy and structure whilst others are more into body ministry.
I don't believe that any one church can seriously claim to represent the fullness of God in the way they live and worship. God is huge, and I reckon some particularly reflect one side of his character and some another.

So, are there denominations in the Bible? No, but yes also.
The early church did not divide itself up with labels "The First Jerusalem Church of Anointed Believers", "The Church of Anointed Gentiles", "The United Jewish and Gentile True Faith Church" and so on.
But when Paul began to preach to the Gentiles and they received the Holy Spirit, he went up to Jerusalem to check things out with Peter and the apostles, and they agreed that Paul should work with the Gentiles and the others would work with the Jewish believers.
This lines up with what I have said above that there will be a difference emphasis of ministry in different churches.

The problem I have with denominations is when they are used to divide people.
If you have a difference of conscience on issues like ordination of women or baptism of babies, that's cool, find a church whose practice is in line with your beliefs.
(btw... knowing what you believe and what the Bible has to say is a pretty good safe guard against falling in with groups like Chrisatdelphians/Mormons/Jehovah Witnesses who are very similar to true Christianity but with a few critical differences)

But if your issues are to do with which hymn book or style of music to use, or the dress code or other traditions or practices then you probably need to have a check in scripture wether this is something the Bible really does teach about.
Be prepared to put aside your preferences/judgements/opinions- you may even have something to learn from those who are more traditional or more liberal than yourself!

evangelism

A bunch of us from Kettering just spent 3 days supporting the church household in Ipswich with their campaign.

To be honest I hate evangelism- the "jump out on people with a leaflet" approach does not work for me and the "sit around looking friendly and inviting so they come to talk to you" just makes me feel like a spare part.

Evangelism is also not that popular generally. It is seen as rather intense and the realm of religious fanatics. In Britain we are too polite and too eager to be tolerant of other views to be brave enough to speak out. That's a bit strange seeing that the first Christians were radical enough to be accused of turning the world upside down.

The other problem with trying to decide wether one should or should not evangelise is:- we are told to do it!
I could try to find a church where "we don't do that kind of thing" or "it's for those who 'have the calling'", but it is still there in the Bible in black and white.
Jesus, before he went back up to heaven, comissioned the disciples to be his witnesses and promised that the Holy Spirit would be with them to help them.
I agree that not everyone does it by taking a painted bus into town to attract attention and bring "church to the street", but everyone should be doing it- somehow.

On Friday afternoon there were some lads shouting at us "Jesus is a **** ****" and so on. Their use of adjectives scares me because I know God is awesome and does not apreciate his name being disrespected. I would not personally risk the wrath of God like that, and sometimes I am concerened that being "high profile" about Jesus provokes people to hurl the abuse they do.

Anyway, in the end these lads came over to talk and we had a good chat with them. We met them again late at night when the lad who had been overshadowed by his more mouthy mate asked us some really searching questions. That is what I do enjoy- testing and stretching and exercising my faith, to reach outside of the limits of what is spoken about in church to find out that it does all still hold true and our eternal and ancient God is big enough to meet the demands of modern thinking and dilemas.

I think Jesus would have enjoyed a good discussion with the disciples, pushing the horizon of their faith to make it stronger.

Anyway, some of the questions and answers will probably come up in blogs soon....

what does God look like?

Here is one of the promised questions people often ask......

What does God look like?
Simple answer is we don't know.

In Exodus God showed himself as fire and as smoke.
In other books of the Bible He has been in the wind or an earthquake.
In Revelations there are all sorts of fantastic descriptions, but there is also loads of picture language there which I do not even try to understand and would not take literally.

We know Man was created in God's image so that gives some ground for the pictures of God as a human being.

We know Jesus (who is one part of the God-head) did not have a problem coming to Earth as a man. Jesus was born in to a Jewish family in Israel, so he would have had MiddleEastern skintone and Jewish looks. He would not have been blue eyes and blond hair, but I can understand those painters who portrayed him in a way they could relate to. Same as in Africa you will find pictures of a black Jesus.

The Holy Spirit (another part of the God-head) was seen as a dove at Jesus' baptism.
The Holy Spirit was also seen as tongues of fire at Pentecost.

But... God is omnipresent, so if He is everywhere all the time then He probably is not limited to a shape or form we can recognise and put a label on and say "That's God".

Personally I don't have a problem with not knowing what God looks like, some of the attempts to portray him tend to attract more mockery than worship anyway.

God is Almighty, Eternal, Omnipresent, Omnipotent, Omniscient, Awesome...... If we can fit Him into a box He is not God anymore.

mummy and the hairdresser and God

My friend Sarah is married to Robert, their daughter is called Emily (well, not quite, I changed their names, just incase they would prefer to be anonymous) Anyway, I had an email from Sarah who told me this story

Robert came home from work and said to Emily "Oh Emily, you've had your hair cut, it looks very pretty, who did it for you?"
Emily replied "Mummy and the hairdresser"
"Really?" asked Robert
"Yes" said Emily. "Mummy made a mess of it and the hairdresser sorted it out"

So, what's the point of the story- apart from the fact that kids are great at showing up their parents?

Well, it made me think how we make a mess of things, but God sorts it out. And it is better to have a go and maybe make a mess than it is to never try.

On Sunday the ministry was about discouragement, that we will always come across things that discourage us, and will always go through periods of discouragement, but it is how we deal with is that matters. We have a big God He is able to help us work things through and sort things out and He has called us to be part of the Body where we can support and encourage and build each other up. So, wether it is a bad hair-cut or feeling totally betrayed, the answer is not to throw in the towel but to go to someone who can help.

Covenant

Last night in our Bible study we looked at how God chose a covenant people, and we looked at the Old Covenant with it's sacrifices and the New Covenant through Jesus. We also read some covenants from other churches, where the members (same as we do in our church) have tried to spell out what they stand for and then promise to stick by it.

Anyway.... the one that really inspired me was from the Methodists.

A covenant with God

'I am no longer my own but yours.
Put me to what you will,
rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing,
put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you,
or laid aside for you,
exalted for you,
or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
And now, glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
you are mine and I am yours.'

This is a bit more mystical than e.g. the Salvation Army articles of war but it spoke to me because it is a heart thing more than a law thing. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was he said it was to love God, and then love your neighbour. Moses gave the people 10 commandments, but they needed/wanted more detail and ended up with books and books of minor rules and regulations. Human nature is to try to get out of things, that's why we end up with so many rules 'cos we have to cover all the cop-out clauses. Surely obeying the spirit behind the rules is better than obeying the letter of the law with the wrong heart?

The other thing about covenant is.... we make covenant as a love response to God and to His people. Then real life kicks in and we realise what we have really let ourselves in for. We have chosen the big thing but then daily we have to chose the little things that make up that choice. We might like the vision of Holy Zion set apart and blazing on the hill, then we realise it also includes late nights and washing up and giving up our opinions/habits/quirks and doing things 'cos we are committed to them and not necessarily because they are inspiring/rewarding/fun any more. We have to keep choosing our choice. That's when the heart response is more help than the letter of the law.

WWJD?

It is popular to wear WWJD wristbands, which are supposed to provoke us to think "what would Jesus do?" and then act accordingly.

But Jesus did not live in the UK in the 21st Century, so we can't in practice limit our behaviour to exactly what we read in the Bible. Jesus lived when there was no such thing as electricity or cars or computers or telephones or even books or buttons. The popular quoted answer to this is to "live according to the spirit of the teaching we find in the Bible".

So, how do you get on with these........

• What would you do if you found £10 in the street
• How much work time do you spend doing personal (or non work related) things
• When there is a naff job to be done, do you do it or delegate it?
• Do you always drive according to the speed limit?
  
• Do you ever jump a red light? Or speed up to get through an amber light?
• Do you always tell the whole truth and the absolute truth in every situation?
  

And...... do you have any scriptures to back up your answers????

Political Correctness

I was talking to a good friend last night, and realised how much I hate political correctness, and how much it has crept into the way we think and talk in the church.

Political correctness means we cannot describe persons of other races as being from different races, or even persons of different genders as being of different genders. It means we cannot say something is good without also having to say the alternatives are also good, and nothing is allowed to be the best. It means we cannot say something is wrong, just that "it is not best for me". Political correctness has meant that Christians in this country have bowed down in "multifaith" services 'cos we are so tolerant of other religions that we are scared to say Jesus IS the way and IS different and Christianity is NOT "the same as all the others really".

How it gets into the church is when we find we are not able to celebrate each others differentness.

Here's one example:
God created a man and a woman and intended them to be different. He did not try to make another man, go a bit wrong, and decide to call this new being a woman. Adam was made in the image of God, he reflected the fullness of God, part of Adam was taken to make Eve, so each then contained a part of the image of God. Each reflected God, but each had something the other did not. Neither was inferior. They were equal and different.
Men and Women in the church are equal but different. We don't need to be defensive. We don't need to get into women's rights. We need not be insecure about male leadership. The world has tried to make "equality" and the result (allowing for a bit of exaggeration here) is butch women and weak men.
We are not perfect in the church 'cos obviously we are not in Eden any more, but we should be able to allow the genders to be who they really are in God. To let men be strong and lead and express God the Father to a fatherless generation. To let women express their femininity and the more sensitive side of God's nature.

This is another example:
We make quite an effort in our church to include and motivate young people. But then we end up stereotyping them and assume that all young people want noise and drama and excitement. Maybe they do, but be prepared that maybe they don't
And the older generation. Don't presume that after a certain age people are only fit for the armchair. Some folk are fit and active well into retirement, but also be prepared to accept that old age does bring limitations, and don't be too scared to go a bit slower to care for those who need it.
The thing is, don't be so politically correct that you cannot celebrate the energy of youth without feeling the older folk will feel left out. And don't be so scared of calling some folk "old" that you cannot help people enjoy the blessing of their senior years and share their wisdom from long lives spent with God.

And other hot potato: Marriage versus Celibacy.
Why does it even have to be "versus"? They are different callings. They are both blessed by God. OK, so choosing one excludes the other, but because you have got married does not mean you cannot support and esteem celibacy and being celibate does not mean you look down on people who have got married.
I have chosen celibacy because for me I believe this is the path God wants me on. I believe I will achieve more as a celibate than I would as a wife and mother. That does not make marriage and motherhood inferior.
I know some amazing married people, and some people who really struggle with married life.
I know some amazing celibates, and some people who have given up on celibacy.
I seen celibates who are scared to share the wealth of their gifting because somone will feel inferior and shout them down saying "marriage is just as good you know"
I have also seen married people who felt guilty and spent all their time wondering if their marriage is just a compromise and they should really have been celibate 'cos it is "the higher way".

God is big.
When we say something is "best" we mean it is "better than...".
When God calls someone to "do their best for Him", He does not mean that they are "better than" anybody else. We can all be the best we can for God!

Where can I go?

Was thinking that if I did not live the way I do, I do not actually have many other options 'cos I have burned so many bridges. I have made choices which, though they are not irreversible, cannot be easily undone. This is quite scary, and not always reassuring, then I read this:

John 6 60-61 and John 6 66-68
and also this
Psalm139 5-12

Both Peter and the chap writing the Psalm know that they have cast their lot in with God, for better or for worse. They know that there is nowhere else to go.

Even if we want to run, God is everywhere and we cannot get away. Jonah is the classic example of that, and I don't much want to spend time in a fishes belly (even if only a metaphorical one)

c u in a betta place?

Yesterday we heard that a leader in our church was killed in a car crash on his way home from a leaders meeting. While people are obviously sad and shocked and sobered, there is the comfort of faith that he is now eternally with Jesus.

I know my theology breaks down a bit when I try to think about exactly what happens when we die. That's 'cos we have minds that are tied to this earth and can only think chronologically, but once we die we enter eternity where there is no time and no chronological sequence of events.

One thing that does wind me up is the vague "everyone goes to heaven" thinking. I mean, if someone choses to live their life without spending any time with God, surely God would respect their choice eternally? Why would someone who does not want anything to do with God now want to spend eternity worshipping Him?
I get annoyed when people speaking at funerals do not speak up and say what Jesus said, do not let people know there is only way to God, which is through Jesus. I know there is the need to be sensitive, but to not tell people the truth is wrong. To let people go out of the door with vain fluffy hope is wrong.

I don't think God "sends people to hell", but if God is good then all that is good comes from God, and to be without God means to be without anything good. That is what hell would be like. To be eternally without anything that is good or influenced by God.

The next question is "Why do people die tragically, or die young?"
I went to a funeral a few years ago of a leader who died of AIDS related ilnesses. (he caught HIV before he was a Christian) At this funeral there was the sense that this brother had run the race and had completed what God had for him to do. It was sad that he died, but no grief about what he had left undone.
For others we may not have this assurance, we might be left with the sense that they have been robbed of a fruitful life or a promising future.
I don't think God ever answers the question "why". He is God after all and our limited brains could not comprehend his reasoning even if he did have to answer to us.

I think sometimes our reasoning is back to front. We ask God why he did something we perceive as injust, rather than thanking Him for the grace we experience every day. It is not so much "why did he take that life" as "why do I have life? what is it God wants me to be doing with the oppertunities he has given me everyday?"

faith is another language

Quelquefois je pense que la fois est une autre langue, que je ne parle pas bien.

letter to a new celibate

I have been reading different things about celibacy recently, and the thing I have really apreciated is when people are honest about what it is really like to live the life. It is OK to quote stuff like "sublimation of natural desires" but what you really want to know is how to cope when the chemistry kicks in and you find yourself unexpectedly attracted to someone despite all your best and most holy intentions. (If you have just read that, and know me, and now think I am in love with someone... sorry, you have just jumped to the wrong conclusion!)

Anyway... this is a letter (slightly edited) I wrote to someone when they were a new celibate, it is bluntly honest and I am posting it incase it is helpful to anyone else. (Again, if you know me don't try to work out who it was written to, 'cos you will guess wrong).

There is some stuff in the letter that is not directly about celibacy. I have left it in 'cos celibacy is not an isolated thing, it is a big part of who we are, it is inspired by our love for Jesus and it inspires our walk with him and our life and ministries in the church. To detatch celibacy from the life of the celibate would be like taking the kids away from a mother- you can't do it, they are so much a part of each other.

So, here's the letter:-

Hi

This is to reply to your letter, and try to answer some of your questions....

It is not an uncommon thing for people these days to grow up with out the support and relationships they need, and to find themselves as adults without the emotional tools or experience they need for building friendships or relationships. Not that it is necessarily any easier for knowing other people are the same, because we are all still individuals and need to work things through and find healing ourselves.

I think it is one of the beauties of this church that we can be a true brotherhood. It’s not an easy thing, but it is still amazing that God is building together this people that can love and trust each other, and also find healing in God and through Him working in us as a family, a Body. We are not perfect, but we are being made more into what He wants. I think it is because we are inspired by the Holy Spirit to dare to build close relationships that we find out more about ourselves. Hurts that would have been nicely suppressed otherwise get shown up, and we have to look at ourselves in God’s light and admit to Him who we really are. Of course, He knew all along anyway so does not reject us!

Choosing to be celibate especially opens up things that we may not have faced otherwise. It is natural for a man and a woman to get together- that is why it is happening all over the place. Not that it is any easier- there are enough failed relationships and hurt people about to make that clear. The thing is, if you are celibate you have chosen not to do what everyone else is doing, but it is not a choosing to suppress or cut off that bit of you. We still need to face up to our sexuality and then we can make a choice to surrender it to God. We are not so much saying “I don’t want my sexuality so I have given it up” as saying “Lord, I choose to make the sacrifice of not expressing my sexuality in the usual way, and I do it for You”

One thing you may need to face is whether you are homosexual or heterosexual. Everyone assumes they are heterosexual unless things are very obviously the other way around, but it may not be that clear. Maybe you might find that it is a bit confusing, especially as you build close friendships with other sisters. You might find that you love someone, and not having had much female love from your mother you might worry if what you feel is a homosexual attraction. I would assure you that it is probably not, but even if it were, the sacrifice of celibacy is the same: you are still offering to God your sexuality. The other thing is, it is not healthy for anyone to have exclusive friendships, to be so close to any one person that it excludes others. If you build with a range of people and are open in your friendships then the problem of getting too close and bordering on something that is soulish or unhelpful is less likely to happen. Again, that is the beauty of being a Body.

About sex ..... Whatever thoughts/feelings/teachings/hype/taboos there may be about sex, it is the case that God made sex! He did not look down at Adam and Eve and think “What are they up to? Quick! Stop them!” He made something beautiful and spiritual between a man and a woman. The way the world has gone means sex has become something cheap and people are often acting in lust and self-gratification, rather than the mutually serving and satisfying sharing and giving experience God created it to be.

So, what does that mean to a celibate? You are not going to be doing it, so do you need to bother getting healing in that area? I think we do need to be healed in every area as God wants us to be whole people. Also, as I said before, celibacy is a sacrifice of something beautiful, not ditching something we do not want.

Sex also often brings a lot of guilt feelings ‘cos we do not find it easy to talk about. The truth is however that we all have a sex drive, and we need to decide what to do about it. It is not wrong to have sexual desire, though what you do with it may sometimes be wrong (or less than ideal). There is no guarantee that says once you become celibate all that gets erased from you! We are not meant to be people who have shut down in any area of our lives, celibate are to be as fulfilled as married people- except for they do not have an active sex life.

So… what do you do with your sexual desires/feelings….

It does say in the Bible that to look a person lustfully is as bad as adultery. I don’t think that is to condemn us ‘cos everyone will look at someone some time and think “wow!”. I think it is said to set a standard, to show us that dwelling on lustful thoughts and encouraging fantasies is not helpful. If we choose to feed our mind with something it can become a habit, and it can colour the way we behave and respond in situations. A mind that has had a free rein lusting or fantasising about something/someone is not going to be a strong mind that can resist temptation when it comes along. The more we give in with our minds the harder it is to resist, whether it is trying to resist fantasy or trying to resist a flesh and blood person. Also, we are called to have the mind of Christ, and we are told our minds are renewed by the Holy Spirit. I don’t think either Jesus or the Holy Spirit are very at home in a mind that is like an X-rated movie, but that applies to everything we give our minds to, not just sexual issues.

In the same train of thought as fantasy are things like pornography or romantic literature. We need to take care of what we read and what we look at ‘cos that is feeding stuff into our minds that maybe we would be better off without. It has also been proven by psychologists and such people that pornography etc is addictive and de-sensitises people. This kind of proves that it is not the right things for a person who is a temple of the Holy Spirit to be getting into.

So, what about masturbation? I think a lot of Christians are very divided over this one. Many people see it as something quite natural. Some people may say it is fine ‘cos it is private, personal and does not hurt anyone else. Some people would say it is a bit like a safety valve, that you need to “let it out” sometimes. Personally, I don’t think it is right. Because we are made of body, soul, and spirit I don’t think we can separate what we do with our bodies from the effect it has on the rest of our being. I think the same as fantasy/pornography it can be addictive and it distorts what God created sex for. I don’t think we are meant to use these bits of our bodies (which God gave us to love another person in a deeply intimate way) just for ourselves. I don’t know if this is an issue for you, am just trying to give you some answers and a bit of a rounded view about the whole subject. If you do it, I think it is something you need to decide for yourself whether it is right or wrong, but remember “there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus”. A struggle we may have in a sexual area of our life is no worse than a struggle in any other area of our life. God hates pride, greed, inequality too, in fact the Bible probably says more about our hearts attitudes than our actions.

So, remember the celibate life is chosen, it is a gift to God, and it is something we will be working out for the rest of our lives (the same as everything else really!) we are not going to get there overnight, but we do have grace, and forgiveness and the Holy Spirit working with us. Don’t get condemned ‘cos you think you have fallen short- condemnation only comes from the enemy as he tried to stop us looking to God and to Jesus blood that makes us clean and pure.

One thing I do believe, is that Jesus does give us back our purity. Whatever our sexual history, wether it is things we have done or things that have been done to us, we can be washed clean and made pure. I have heard people say that said even sisters who have had abortions or have been abused can re-gain their purity and receive a spiritual virginity. (Not that I am applying it to you, I am just giving it as an example of the abundance of God’s grace.)

At the end of your letter you said about feeling abnormal or paranoid. Though these fears may have some root somewhere in your soul or past experiences they are more the kind of thing the devil would want to feed us than what God would say about us. Not to say it is insignificant ‘cos it is something real to be worked through. I would encourage you to be open, as you have been, to get prayer about things, and to let God in. The fact you are facing stuff is a good sign- you would be in a worse state if you were not open to seeing things in you. Just keep going, and keep your eyes on God.

Another big thing about building relationships is just to go for it. No-one is perfect. No-one, however confident they may seem on the outside is without insecurities or issues. We are all totally dependant on God for anything that is of any worth. Remember, only what is spiritual has any eternal value in God’s kingdom so natural charisma is probably more of a hindrance anyway.

Also, remember that we are all imperfect people building the church the best we can in God’s grace. Sometimes you will get responses off people that are bizarre, or hurtful, or wrong. That does not mean you are in the wrong, it might be their issues. If someone else shuts down on you, don’t get rejected, remember that you sometimes shut down too and try to be brave enough to give them a gentle prod to get out of it, or give them a listening ear to sort out what is bugging them. It is always going to be give and take, and I can testify to learning and receiving more from giving than from taking.

What do you really want?

I want to lose some weight, but I also WANT some chocolate. I know the two don't go together, and it is because I have had the chocolate too often that I have the problem that I now weigh 10 stone and not 8 any more.

It's often like that in life, what we WANT in the short term is not compatible with what we REALLY want in the long term.

My REAL BIG VISION is loving Jesus, exploring the fullness of being a celibate, building the church. In the short term I find myself very often behaving like a spoiled kid, I want to go to bed early, I want to stop in bed late, I want to hide myself away with a book, I want to go shopping, I want to..... Basically there are millions of things I could do which are not at all wrong in themselves, but they fill up my life and God only gets the leftovers.

Someone asked us two questions in a meeting recently:

• What do you want from God?
• What does God want from you?

That's the key to it really.

What I want from God is the fullness of what he has promised us. And what he wants from me is my love and devotion. It's a two-way thing, and God isn't the one letting the side down.