This summer I have been celibate for 10 years.
I took my vow on 17 August 1996, but I don't count the first year 'cos I found things really hard and I “restarted” in August 1997.
This is the beginning of a few blogs about the celibate life, starting with how/why I became celibate.
Once I had graduated from uni and moved into community I was pretty desperate to know wether I would be celibate or married, at 23 years old I thought I was getting on a bit(!!) and needed to know which way I was going. I would now advise anyone to wait until they have matured a bit in their gifts 'cos then it will be clearer wether your gifts/ministries would be best used as a married or as a celibate person.
I spent quite a lot of time thinking about marriage and about celibacy. I remember when I was first in the church trying to look really holy when I was worshipping so the brothers would think I looked like a good choice for a wife. Then someone told me that I carried a celibate spirit when I worshipped and I stopped worshipping for a while!
I think I knew deep down in my spirit that when I was baptised and made covenant with this church, that community and celibacy would follow. I have always felt that either God is no real and worth nothing, or He is real and He is worth everything. This did not stop me falling for someone in the Christian Union at university. Afer we had spent an evening kissing on the sofa he asked if we could pray, and prayed along the lines “Thankyou God for this Christian girlfriend whom I hope will one day be my wife”. I had to quickly explain “erm.... I think I should tell you that I'm pretty sure God has called me to community, and maybe to celibacy, sorry for messing you around but....”
In one of the presentations the church used to do (“Bleeding Life”) there was a short video of familes in a shopping centre and the Dads had their kids on their shoulders. I had a lot of issues about that 'cos my Dad was not very affectionate like that. In time I got healing over the “Dad thing” and then one meeting, out of the blue, I felt God was asking me “What if I never gave you anyone especially for you?” God never said “I want you to be celibate”, just “What if.."
One particular day I went for a walk and thought/prayed about all the advantages and disadvantages of both marriage and celibacy. I needed to know what, for me, would be the cross and the blessing and the pitfalls of each. In the end the conclusion I came to was that, for me, celibacy would be a goad, it would make me responsible for my own walk with God and motivate me to be active in my spiritual life. As a celibate there is no-one for me to hide behind or lean on.
When I went to my first celibates meeting the friend I went with kindly got us seats right at the front of the meeting. The worship and teaching were amazing. Then at the end Noel said for those who wanted to receive the gift to stand up. I thought, “I can't, my spirit will explode if I do that” then I heard (one of the few times I have audibly heard) God saying “Well, I'll bless you where you are then” and in that moment I received an anointing of laughter and shaking. It was a release of the Holy Spirit like I had never known before. I was staying at another community house that night, with people I did nt know that well, and in the car I was still laughing and shaking and I was thinking “God, this is so unlike me, what is going on?” and He said (audibly again) “I am just taking your fears away”.
I think if I did not respond to a confirmation like that then I would be more than a bit dense!
The celibate meeting was in October 1995, and it took me until November to talk to my shepherd about doing a probationary year. (I am not very good at talking to people about what is going on) In August 1996 I knew the gift was me. I was prompted by another sister of my age taking her vow to tell my shepherd that I had made my decision. It was thundering that evening and the house was full of visitors so we had to go for a walk to talk. The community house I lived in then was on the edge of the red-light area so it was a bit bizarre in the heavy rain with prostitutes on the corner to be talking about committing myself to a celibate life. Anyway, when we got back to the house he and his wife prayed for me in their bedroom, and I prayed to God what I wanted to say to Him. When I had done that it felt amazing, not as emotional as the celibate meeting, but I still went around with a grin like a Cheshire cat for a week after. I was TOTALLY in love with Jesus. About a month later I had a celebration (bit like a wedding reception) to publically confirm the vow, the people in the house made me a card, a cake with white icing and a silver ring (tinfoil) on it, and someone wrote me a song.
My parents (who were not part of this church then) were cool about me making a celibate vow. When I rang them to tell them my Dad said “I thought you would” and Mum said “Oh, that means I won't have any grandchildren (my sister has since done the grandchildren bit). Celibates in our church often wear a silver ring on their wedding finger as a sign on their vow. Dad asked to buy my ring for me which was very special- though I don't quite know what the chap in the jewellers thought when he asked wether the ring was for a special occasion and Dad blurted out in the crowded shop “She's become a celibate- she is married to Jesus!”
No comments:
Post a Comment