Celibacy Testimony - Part Two

The struggles

Why do I want to talk about the struggles with celibacy?

Because I don't want to paint a rosy picture that is not true, because I believe in being honest and because I honestly believe that the struggles can be won and it is possible to live in the celibate gifting long-term.

There are kind of two ways that the struggles come: Struggling with the “sex, hormones and emotions” side of it (a bit like the hunger pangs when you are trying to fast) and struggling with the “spiritual” side of it (a bit like when you mean to fast and pray, but then don't actually get any praying done).

I think the biggest battle that all celibates face is keeping the gift alive. We have made the sacrifice and chosen the life for a purpose, but it is so easy to let it slide into merely “un-marriedness” and live an ineffective boring life- just without a partener. The celibate life is meant to be a power source within. It is mean to spring out of passionate love for Jesus, and spur us into passionate acts of love, service and devotion to Him and the Church, for the Kingdom sake.

But enough of the theory, this is me:

There have been some big battles on the “sex, hormones and emotions” side of things. I don't want to go into details 'cos it implicates third persons- which is not fair. What I can say is, being celibate does not make you immune to falling in love with someone, it does not make you immune from other people falling in love with you, it does not mean you will not get hassled/abused/assaulted.
After all the battles I still call myself a celibate. I still claim and hold onto the purity of the gift, and to be honest I have become more stubborn in my determination to hold true.

To live as a celibate day to day there are of course choices to be made to be sure I am not doing anything that would undermine my celibate gift. Celibacy is more than “not having sex”, it is about being set apart for Jesus and being pure and holy in body, soul and spirit.
I have to be very careful about what I read because I have the kind of mind that does not forget things easily. I do not read novels, and I often have to stop reading and turn the page in the newspaper. I would not watch a film that would fill my head with stuff I can do without.
Also, if I look at someone and think “hmmm” then I have to look away quick smart. If I am in a meeting and seem to be shading my eyes from the lighting, it is more likely I am deliberately blocking my view of a person who is distracting to me! I know what fashion or physique I find striking, and I chose not to feast my eyes on that.
I do not have any blokes numbers on my phone (except leaders and work numbers) so there isn't the tempatation to send or receive txt messages that could border on the over-familiar.

One of my biggest struggles is feeling lonely sometimes. Little things like not having someone to stand with in a queue, or no-one saving you a seat in a meeting, or being on your own at a family wedding/funeral. Those things get to me, they make me feel “If I had a husband, he would look out for me.” Its at times like this I have to remember that I do have a husband- and He is more faithful to me than any human could ever be. I also have to remember that God did ask me “What if I never give you anyone especially for you...?” and I chose that choice.
Having a wide range of wholesome friendships really is a life line to a celibate. It is also, when you think about it, what celibacy is all about: Choosing not to have one person specially there for you, so you can be there for lots of others. Celibate life should over flow in a wide range of relationships.

Other celibates who give up the vow is one thing that I do find really really hard, especially if it is someone I look up to or someone I esteem for enduring the hard times. I could have given up my vow at one point, but I realised that if I love someone then I would want the best for them, and the best for them would not be me. We had some teaching about being married for God once, and that helped me conclude that I could not build a marriage vow upon a broken celibate vow. There is a bit in one of the “Hawk and the Dove” books where Brother Tom runs away for a woman , and comes back because he knows he cannot vow to her when he is already vowed to God. I was so amazed when I read that because that was how I felt about things, and there it was in print!

Having said that, I know celibates do leave their vows, for many and varied reasons, and there is grace for people to be restored and re-find their place in the church. But... I know a lot of people who have been really hurt by those who have turned back and I do not want to hurt people like that. I know people who will not consider the celibate gift, or do not respect it because so many have turned back. That's really sad, and I would not want to cause someone else to struggle because of what I have done, because I have not been true.