death and dying

I have been thinking about the issues of death and dying and eternal life, not for any particular reason, just that I have noticed the way people respond to death and it does not quite make sense to me.

Often folk in the world will tell you that they do not believe in God, that there is nothing after this life, that when you are dead that is it. We are just the same as animals.

BUT (and this is a big BUT) people do not behave like that is what they believe.

In all societies there is a respect for the dead, there is ritual about burial or disposal of bodies. If the body were an empty shell like the box the computer came in then what is the problem? Why show respect for the dead?

There is also a taboo about suicide and euthanasia.
If someone commits suicide that is more tragic and traumatic than accidental premature death.
In the UK it is not allowed to assist another person to die, whatever the circumsances.
Why?
What is the problem with finishing life at the end of it's useful period?
If there is nothing left after death, and no eternal consequences, why not opt out when you want to?

There is also the fight for life.
Families will fight the medics to keep their loved ones alive past hope of life. The human body itself will fight ilness and cling on to life. Surely this fight shows that there is a soul and a spirit inside the "shell"?

All this adds up to show we are more than "just a body". The sense that there is "something more" is one of God's hints to mankind, one of those little nudges that alerts us to seek Him out.

And the reason why people would like to think there is nothing after death?
I would venture to say they would prefer there to be nothing, because if there is something that means there are consequences to the way we live now, and to realise there are consequences means we have to take action.
I think some people are like a little kid, sticking their fingers in their ears yelling "la, la, la, I can't hear you!" as if deafing out God will mean He is not there.

prophetic poetry

Some time ago we were talking at home about how God removes our sins from us “as far as the east is from the west”

This shows how vast God's love and forgivenes is 'cos there is no absolute east or west on the globe, so this is an infinite distance. I was thinking how amazing that is 'cos in the bible times they did not know the world was round. Poetically they could have just as easily said “as far as the north is from the south”, but that would have been a limited amount of forgiveness 'cos there is an absolute north and south. I believe the inspiration for the poetry was from God, which is why they said “east from west”.

This is another examples of how the Bible is scientifically correct in a way beyond the understanding of the time. In Isaiah and in the Psalms there is mention of “the paths of the seas”. This was before America was discovered and in a civilisation whose geography was limited to the Middle East, North Africa and parts of Asia and the Mediterranean. When men first began travelling across the Atlantic for trade they found there were “paths through the seas”- they found that by following the gulf stream they could days off the journey across the Atlantic. So... what made "nice poetry" is scientifically true, and even if they had some knowledge of currents in the seas, they still did not know there was a "path" across the Atlantic.

There are also some amazing descriptions in more than one part of the Bible of how Jesus was to and be crucified - centuries before the Romans came along and invented crucifixion.

That can only be God speaking through the prophets and poets. God who is eternal and was there and beginning of the world and will be there at it's end and is with everyone as they live it out along the way.

If the Bible was just poetry, or superstition, or “OK for simple civilisations” then we would not find revelations like this. The people who wrote the Bible did not have the technology or knowledge we have, so it could only be God who could inspire stuff like this. God who knows that the brain-boxes of our centuary need to be shown that He is God and he knows stuff that is far beyond our intellectual reach.

amazing message

On Christmas Eve we had planned to go for a night walk with a bunch of girls. Once it was planned, everyone gradually pulled out till there was just two of us, and when we got there it started to rain, and then...... basically I got scared of the dark and we turned back after 100 metres and sat in the car to drink hot chocolate instead!

Anyway... the amazing thing about it all was I put the ignition on to get the time and the radio came on- it was the midnight service on Radio 4.

If you know me you know I am not a big fan of the seasonal indulgence and tinsel trip. I also hate the mushy sentimental “baby-jesus-in-a-manger” stuff 'cos to me Jesus is God Almightly humbled to come to earth and die to sort out the mess we are in. We cannot patronise Him like that.

But before I go off on a sidetrack, the amazing thing was this service was really radical. I was gob-smacked. We listened until gone 12, and then listened all the way home, and then stopped in the car park at the end of the road to listen some more!

This is the reading from Titus 2 11-14

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

How good is that?

Salvation is not for me to have a nice blessed time on earth and eternity on a fluffy cloud in heaven.

We are called and saved in order to live lives that honour God. We are waiting for Jesus to return. We are His people who he chose.

I was impressed that this was being said at a Christmas service. I was impressed that the purpose/mission of our faith was being spoken about. That people were being challenged to do more than merely believe, but to let it change their lives.

Then the speaker chap (Rev Murphy O Connor, if that makes any difference to you) got preaching.

He talked about how the angels were not tinselly creatures but terrifying messangers of God.

He said how so often the message of God is not well received.

He said the message of Christmas was of good news for all people, but does the message of our faith get to all people?

He asked how we treat the immigrants and refugees in our country.

He asked what our attitude is to the homeless on our streets.

This is the last paragraph

“I would say that we have to return again to the first Christmas night and hear again the message the angel brought to the shepherds- 'news of great joy, a joy to be shared by the whole people,. Ultimately I think it's a question of wether we believe in the God of Christmas. the God of Christmas is not light years away, living in another dimension. For us, Christmas means that God became one of our kind and lived a human life; in a sense God moved in nearby and is called 'Emmanuel', a word that means 'God is with us'. God is with us! It is worth letting those words sink in. Not only did God come to be with us then; He has promised to be with us all days, until the end of time."

Testimony- the teen years

Testimony- teen years.

When I first became a Christian I did not have a church to go to and I though I wanted to take my faith seriously my life was still in a mess.

If you had met me aged 17-19 I would have been dressed in a way to provoke a reaction from you... something like hot pants with thick patterned tights and an over sized jumper; or jeans with painted hand prints and a denim jacket covered in multi coloured patches. It was a self-defence thing 'cos I had low self esteem and getting a reaction was a way to prove it was your problem and not mine.

When I met the sisters from this church I fell in love with the way they dressed simply and modestly and the way they were valued as sisters. They were not potential dates like in the world or potential wives like in the other churches. The way I dressed quickly changed once I decided to get baptised. Not because I was conforming to “the way the church does things” but because I was finding peace and acceptance and my identity as a woman of God.

At the time I came to the church I also had eating problems, I used to go on phases of not eating and of over eating. I used to have “rituals” to do with food and I lost all sense of what was normal eating and there was no way I could enjoy food in a social setting.

Being around people in the church who were totally normal about food brought me loads of healing, and with growing self-acceptance I found real healing. I remember once standing in the kitchen crying rather than face taking a tray of tea around. Also when I was first at the warehouse I refused to go to the Cakery because I could not cope being around so much cake. I now supervise the Cakery and have done catering for up to 80 people. What would have absolutely terrified me is now a part of normal life.

The last thing to be “sorted” from my teen years has actually been quite recent...

I was not a “classic” self-harmer, so you won't see scars up my arms, but there was plently of self-hatred that used to spring up to condemn me from time to time. I did not really think I had a problem until there was an item in one of the marquee meetings about self harm and I found myself blocking my ears and stamping my feet 'cos I could not cope. I had prayer from someone after that meeting, and then some months later I felt God was putting his finger on some feelings of shame I carried so I decided to get some more prayer. The same person had word from God that they should pray for me and was waiting for me at the response time! To be free from shame was a big thing and I had “unashamed” on a poster above my bed for a long while.

This year at the Praise Day there was another item that mentioned self harm. Inside my head there was something shouting “shut up, shut up, shut up” all through the item. It was a right battle to go for prayer, but I decided to ask a particular sister who I saw as wise and discreet to pray for me. I shared all the stuff that made me feel so bad and made me want to hurt myself. She prayed for me for deliverance and I really truly have been so free since. I have been in situations since then that would have triggered self hatred and just have not had those feelings.

Testimony

Quite often in our meetings people are asked to testify to what God has done in their lives. I am normally quite reluctant to share anything 'cos what I have to say does not quite fit with the point the speaker is trying to make. I do think though that testimony is important.

When we testify we are giving thanks for what God has done, and we make sure that we do not forget. Often in the Old Testament, when God had done something amazing, people set up a marker stone or an altar and named it in praise of what God had done. They did this to remember and remind future generations.

The Jewish Passover is the biggest testimony as every year they have the sacrificial meal and remember how God brought the people out of Egypt. At that meal there are set questions the youngest child will ask as a way of passing on the memory.

I definitely think that we grow ungrateful if we do not remember what God has done. What was a miracle becomes common place. We are like the Israelites who were rescued from Egypt and crossed through the Red Sea and then complained about having to travel through the desert!

The most powerful example of testimony I found in the Bible is from Revelations

This is more than “Jesus healed me of my ingrown toenail”. These are the martyrs whose lives were given for the sake of Jesus. Those who would not stop speaking about Jesus and the Kingdom of God, and we praise God for these ones who paid with their lives.

I recently read the book “Rachel's Tears” which is based on extracts from the diary of one of the teenagers shot at Columbine Hight School. People knew her as someone who “walked the talk” and tried to demonstrate her faith in the way she behaved. After she died her diaries were a testimony to the depth of relationship she did have with God. People praised God because of her testimony.

I had been thinking about the subject of testimony before I read the book, but reading it made me want to speak up for God in my life, so when I die people will know I know my God.

So... for the next few blogs I want to testify to some landmarks in my life and praise God for the journey he is taking me on.

Middleness

It seems to me like one big struggle in Christian life is not to settle into middleness. Compromised comfortable nothingness. Like a motel set up on the path into the wilderness we stop travelling on and settle down. Comfortable that we are not where we once were, but so far short of where we could/should be. We can testify to knowing the Holy Spirit, but people around us cannot really see any difference in our lives, it's like subscribing to a cook book club but never getting around to making or tasting what we read about.

Casting Crowns sing a song called “Somewhere in the middle” which has inspired me about middleness. Phrases like “deep water faith in the shallow end” so sum up where I often find myself. I get inspired by God and long for the reckless faith that will risk all for God, but I also want the safety of familiar surroundings and trusted boundaries.

The story “The King of the Land in the Middle” talks about a country where everything was “in the middle”, where there were no extremes- either for good or for bad. The story starts when the king of the land has hot coffee for the very first time, and by the end of the story the people start to take risks and experience the extremes of life- the deepest. sorrows as well as the highest joys.

That's one of the things about middleness- you might set out to protect yourself from the things that hurt, but you also end up missing out on the best things of life. Life is only full when lived to both extremes.

Last night in the meeting we were provoked about our recent experiences of the Holy Spirit. We say we are a Holy Spirit filled people, but our testimonies to the Spirit moving are 5 or 10 or 15 years ago! We were challenged whether we are ready for the Holy Spirit to do something amazing now.
This was good timing for me 'cos I have been feeling spiritually hungry again recently. I was writing a list on Friday of 5 things I want to do before I am 40 (which is only 6 years away). This will of course mean getting started on them right away!

This is a scripture that make sense of what I have been trying to say: Paul talks about taking hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
That means not failing to achieve the potential God had put in you and the Holy Spirit has inspired in you. It means not giving up half way and coasting from average middle age to bored old-age.

Another scripture talks about a householder who can bring old and new stuff out of the storehouse. In practice this means having fresh new living experiences of faith and Holy Spirit life, as well as the foundation stuff from years ago.

There is also the scary one from Revelation about being lukewarm and spewed out of God's mouth. That's the thing really... "middleness" is just another word for "lukewarm". Though it is nice and comfortable it is a dangerous place to be- a bit like a frog in a pan of water that is being slowly boiled alive.

statistics

I realised the following yesterday:-

• I became a Christian when I was 17, so next year when I am 34 I will have been a Christian for half of my life
• The following year I will have been in this church for half of my life
• I have lived in Kettering for 8 years, which is half of the time I have spent in the church and a quarter of my life.
• I have been living in community for just over a third of my life
  
• I have been celibate for about a third of my life.

So whats so amazing about that?
Well, I thought it was worth recording 'cos God is into Numbers- there is a whole book of the Bible devoted to them (!).

Also, I guess it says that God is faithful to keep us, and it testifies to the long term power of commitment. I made some of my commitments at a relatively young age (baptised age 18, community age 21, celibacy age 23). I can now say that it was not all "something you grow out of" but more "something you grow into".

I believe the choices I have made have been foundations in my life and will bear fruit long into the future. It provokes me to look hard at the choices I make now and make sure I am still keeping true to the path I have started on, to make sure that having come this far I do not knock myself down by making bad or weak choices.

I have always said that I do not want to get to 40 or 50 and lose the plot 'cos I have not sorted out my issues along the way. Making the right choices is one way to make sure that does not happen.

Difficult Scriptures 4

Revelations

Dunno if it is allowed to put a whole book of the Bible under the heading “difficult scriptures”, but this is my blog, so my rules, so I shall =)

I find Revelations really hard and a big part of my issues with it probably is coming from a Christadelphian background when people spent loads of time trying to predict the second coming and interpret “the signs of the times”. During Communism the signal for the end of the world was going to come out of Russia, now it is going to come out of Iran. I have to be very careful not to get cynical about it all.

The thing with Revelations is that there is loads of picture language in there, half of which we do not understand 'cos we are not readig it with the mindset of first centuary Jews. Stuff that would have been so obvious to them misses the point on us.

There is also stuff in there that is history, that is current, that is for the future, and that is eternal. How do you know which bit of history you are on? Or even if you are outside of history altogether?

Some things I do get.
I understand that heaven will be awesome, and perfect, and full of worship. I also understand that it is a glorious mystery to us.
I also understand that there is a real spiritual battle to be fought, but Jesus has “read the end of the book” for us, so we know we win in the end.

I was talking to someone on the way home earlier this week about being creative and how humans can never be truly original because we can only use the materials God has given us- we have never yet made anything from nothing. Likewise even in stories like CS Lewis Perelandra, authors can never describe anything without using terms we already understand like colours or references from what God has created e.g. “a strange new plant taller than a man but not as tall as a tree”

What's this got to do with Revelations? Well, I think part of why it is so incomprehensible is that the writer was trying to describe stuff that has never been seen on earth, so he ran out of words to describe it and we run out of references to understand it by.

Anyway, last night someone was talking to a visitor who had decided to get a taste of the Bible by reading the last and the first books, and were then quite confused by Revelations. The advise given was to read the gospels first and get to know Jesus then, “rather than worrying about what is going to happen, you will be ready when it does happen”. That's sound advice.

One day I will probably be ready to read Revelations (and understand it!) but for now I think I will concentrate on knowing Jesus better. After all John who wrote Revelations was not a theologian or an expert on religious imagery, he was the one who loved Jesus dearly and lay on His breast. Maybe the understanding of the mysteries comes from intimacy with Jesus and being truly in the presence of the Holy Spirit?

Aliens

Living on a different planet.

This though occurred to me in a staff meeting about how to manage stress:
We are spiritual people living in a natural world, so there is always going to be some stress/tension 'cos this is not our natural environment. It's a bit like when astronauts go to the moon- they have to take all sorts of precautions because the environment they encounter is alien, it is fighting against their bodies and would eventually destroy them if they were not protected against it.

Have I lost the plot here? I don't think so 'cos Peter compared us to aliens or exiles living on this earth.

Though alien makes us think of little green men with antennae and boggly eyes, this is the dictionary meaning
alien noun 1 a foreign-born resident of a country who has not adopted that country's nationality. 2 especially science fiction an inhabitant of another planet. 3 bot a plant introduced to an area by human agency rather than by nature. adj 1 foreign. 2 (usually alien to someone or something) not in keeping with them or it; unfamiliar.

So... the point I am making is, we are meant to be different, to feel a bit odd. We are spiritual people in a largely non-spiritual world. We are citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven living here on earth. The world is full of natural people, but we have been born again supernaturally, they are part of the old creation, but we are new creations.

Jesus talked quite a bit about how different we are:
We are a city on a hill, a light in the darkness.
We are known as His and will be rejected as He was.

So, we are odd. A peculiar (or distinct) people!

Difficult Scriptures 3

The Sheep and the Goats
I have always found this parable really hard:

When I used to read it as Sunday School it was hard because in my middle class childhood I was really unlikely to come across anyone who needed food or clothes, or even anyone who needed visiting in prison.
Nowadays the dilema is that I do meet people in need, and I don't know what the balance is between loving people as Jesus would and plainly getting ripped off.
I know very well that someone with a drug habit will do anything to feed that habit.
I know that we can easily fill up our mealtimes with people who just want a free dinner, and our community houses with people who just need a bed, but I am sure we are not meant to be social services to people.

James said faith without works is dead, and quite rightly we cannot ignore our social responsibilities, but works without faith is maybe even more dead. I am sure Jesus does not want a pious or patronising “doing good” that does not actually care about people as people.
In the Jesus Centres we are able to help people in a way we cannot in our homes, and the vision is to make sure the whole thing is firmly based on Jesus. But I don't think it is good enough for me to say “I belong to a church that does these things” 'cos I don't do any shifts at the Jesus Centre anyway!

Going back to not being able to help everyone who comes to the door...There is this scripture I could quote to try to salve my conscience “pearls before swine”
BUT I don't find Jesus putting in a clause “only help those who deserve it” or “only give practical help to those who also want to enter the kingdom of God”

So..... where does my conscience settle on this one?

It is hard to apply “whatever you did to the least of these you did unto me” to someone who is behaving in a way that Jesus never would. I mean, however hungry or dirty he was, I am sure Jesus did not threaten to smash your windows in if you crossed his will or nick people's bags while they were eating.

Maybe some of the answer is seeing people as individuals and not as a collective group of “alkies” “junkies”, “needy people” or just “them” that we can't trust. Maybe I need to be ready to love the next person who comes along and not hold the sins of “the others” against them. To be “wise as serpents but innocent as doves”

In Acts Peter was struggling with the issue of what to do with Non-Jews who were finding faith in Jesus.
I think what he is saying here is that the gospel is available without limit to all who want it. So our love should be available without limit.
Whatever compassion we are able to show, it is the love of Jesus working through us. But if people reject Jesus in us, I suppose there is nothing more we can do.
The bottom line is that, although anyone is welcome, Jesus is really the only thing we have to offer.

But.... so long as my conscience is still struggling to find love for the person stood infront of me I am still scared of going to hell with the goats.

Difficult Scripture 2

This is the parable of the shrewd manager

As I see it this chap is suspected of being dishonest, so when he is called to account he fiddles the books to get a few friends on his side who will help him out when he gets sacked.

I get the point Jesus makes later on that if you are dishonest in small things you will also be dishonest in bigger things.
I also get the point that the world is much more shrewd than the kingdom when it comes to dealing with money- but I reckon that's because we try to be honest and kind in our dealings and don't lie or con people.

The bit I don't get is that Jesus commends him for being shrewd. I reckon he deserves to be blasted for his dishonesty- Can anyone explain this one for me?

I also get stuck with verse 9

I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings

Any offers on this one?

Difficult Scriptures 1

1 Corinthians 10:13
This is saying we will not be tempted more than we can cope with, but I reckon the evidence of life shows we ARE tempted more than we can cope with because in times of crisis or temptation we DO fall and we DO fail.

These are a few ideas that try to match the promise that we are not tempted more that we can cope with, and the evidence that sometimes it is all too much and we fail.

• God does know how much we can cope with, just in our moment of crisis we fail to grab a hold of the life belt he throws to us.
• The temptation was not too much for us, just we wanted to do whatever it was so did not fight the temptation hard enough
• The failure we have gone through is not the end of the story. God is into the bigger picture and the lessons we will learn in the long term will strengthen our character and give God glory.

The Bible is full of people who love God but mess up. Moses had a bad temper and murdered someone. David had a problem with women, commited adultery and had the woman's husband killed to cover it up. Peter promised never to deny Jesus and tried to kill someone to stop them arresting Him, and then he denied Him, ran away, and went back to his old life after the crucifixion.

These people were still used by God loads. Moses got to see God face to face. David knew God deeply and wrote the Psalms, including ones that prophesy about Jesus. Peter was re-comissioned and led the church after Pentecost.

So... another thought is that God knows that the temptations and failures will not be enough to destroy His plan for us. So the promise that it will not be “too much to endure” might actually mean more like “so much as to wreck your whole life”???

But that still does not sit right with me 'cos I do know people who have wrecked their whole life. People who have gone back to drugs and killed themselves young without getting back to God. Or people who are so much less than they used to be 'cos they have given in or given up 'cos things got too tough.

Looking at the people above, Moses temper eventually meant he did not get to enter the Promised Land. David's violent life meant he could not build the temple and his children by different wives caused all sorts of problems after his death. They still had consequences to deal with even though God was gracious to them.

The only person who did live without sinning was Jesus.
The biggest struggle He went through was Gethsemane.
Jesus was fully human as well as being God, I think the battle of facing the cross was too much for Him to humanly bear. The battle of Gethsemane was the battle for Jesus' will, it was the battle for human will to be broken and handed over to God, it was the battle for all mankind to be able to say “Your will be done”.

Jesus prayed “if it is possible” not to have to go through with the cross, but He got to the point where He agreed with the Father's will that he should go through with it. In His human weakness he was able to find Divine strength.

On the cross Jesus faced the battle again- he felt totally abandoned. He cried out “My God, why have you forsaken me?” but in that abondonement was able to also pray “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit”. Jesus was totally broken of all his human strength and so Jesus leads the way for everyone who finds their difficulties too much. He showed that we cannot handle what we are going through- the point is we can and should hand it over to the Father.

So, thats the point where I can reconcile myself to this verse. I do find things are too much for me sometimes, but the Holy Spirit in me links me to Jesus who was able to surrender to the Father and find strength there. So the strength to get me through is not my own, it is Divine. It will not be easy, but the strength I need is available once I give up my own strength.

Difficult Scriptures Intro

Do you ever come across bits in the Bible that you really wish were not there? Or bits that never will make sense, however often you hear someone talk about them in a meeting?

I think there is a tendancy for Christians to focus on the bits they do like or do understand, and kind of hope the rest will go away. As a church we have tried to "do the difficult bits", hence you will find people among us who live in community, or are celibates, or are from the "poor of society". We do believe that the gifts of the Holy Spirit are real and for today, and the thing that changed the church from a traditional baptist church to what it is today was people praying along the lines "God, if what I read is real then I want to see it happening today"

BUT I don't really think it is good enough to belong to a church that does such things and not make a decent attempt to be reconciled to the hard bits of the Bible personally. I don't think we can do faith second hand.
SO this is the beginning of a series (however long) about the bits of the Bible I find hard...

odd socks

For some months now (probably since about February 'cos that's when I got a load of coloured socks for my birthday) I have worn deliberately odd socks. I know a load of teenagers who do the same as a bit of a fashion statement, but I am not trying to be a teenager.

Socks do the same job whatever colour they are. Some people may be too poor to buy new socks and maybe forced to wear odd ones. Would you think less of them because of that?

To some folk it really matters that all their clothes match. Or they make a real effort to make sure everything fits into a colour scheme. Does it offend your pride if I wear odd socks?

Some people have disfigurements that make everyone stare, or have red hair, or have coloured skin.
Do you cope with people who are different to you? Does it make you uncomfortable?

Sometimes people have huge big arguments about what is right or wrong, but they pick the most petty things to be right or wrong about. Would you rather lose a friend than your opinion?

You might think that if I am wearing odd socks then I must be a bit odd, maybe even eccentric or mental. Do you judge people by their appearance?

Some people like everything done their way, they don't cope with things not being “ the way they should be” or “they way they always are”. They get into a right state when someone does something differently. Do you get insecure when something is different, or not the way you expect it to be?

Thinking about it, there are lots of things that odd socks could provoke you into thinking about, but the fact is the reason why I do it is because it does not really matter wether my socks match or not. This is my way of saying I want to focus on the things that do matter and not on the things that don't.

A chance to testify

I was getting a bit down about working in the department I do 'cos we are in the corner in the far end of the warehouse. Other departments have contact with the outside world, they customers or delivery drivers to talk to and we are stuck in our box with no windows.
Anyway, over the summer God really encouraged me about the opertunities I do have.

I had an invite from one of our suppliers to join them in their annual outing- horseracing. It was nice to be asked, but I could not really see myself joining in gambling and drinking with the rest of them. When the rep came to drop in some samples she asked me about it and I kind of squirmed out of it, and though she laughed she did say “I think you are making excuses”

When she rang up to check on the samples I had not done anything with them, and made the excuse that I had been on annual leave- I had been at RAW. Anyway, she asked me what I had been doing, so I took a deep breathe and told her I had been at a church youth event.

She asked which church, and was then genuinely interested when I told her about kingdom businesses and community. She said “so that's why you didn't want to go horseracing” so I had to admit I had been a coward not to tell her about us before. Then she asked “So, what does your boyfriend think about it- I know you've got one 'cos you wear a ring” Time for a deep breath and explain all about celibacy!
I was sat in the office thinking “I don't believe I am having this conversation”

A couple of weeks later a customer was coming to see our marketing manager and called in advance to ask me to go for lunch with him. I deal with him often and find his manner very off-putting- I only cope by pulling faces while I put on a polite phone voice. I hate business lunches with a passion, and with him – no way. Anyway, after the invite he did not mention it again so I hoped he had forgotten.

When he arrived he was over an hour early, and called me on my mobile to explain he was outside and could I show him around. Time for a big fib! “No problem” I said and spent the next hour showing him around and drinking tea and talking about nothing in particular- but at least he had forgotten about lunch- so I thought. As he went into the meeting he said “You haven't forgotten lunch have you?” so I had to madly get some money and find out somewhere to go 'cos I figured the burger bar on the industrial estate would not be apropriate.

As it happens by lunch time he was not in any mood to talk about business and another lady from the same company came with us was.
Its funny how when people are talking about their lives, and ask you about yours all the answers come out “God” and “Church”. They were really interested in what we do and what we are and they got my testimony and the whole “covenant, community, celibacy” thing too. This chap was especially interested in that we are all Christians and that we can offer work to people off the streets, he was asking about our “success rate” and I was proud to be able to tell him about brothers who have come off drink or drugs and are doing really well sorting their lives out.

Anyway, after these amazing conversations I was so encouraged, and then the rep from another company we buy from dropped in. As he was new he asked “so, is this a family business?” and I began to explain how the business is owned by the church and lots of us live in community. Anyway, I think he was a bit freaked out 'cos he had been to visit a company the day before who were also a Christian Community!

I guess the thing about it all is- we do all get more chances to testify to God than we realise. And even if we do not get the chance to do the talking we are part of the testimony other people can tell. I am proud that we are living for what we believe in, and we can tell people “look, it works, here are the people who are doing it with me”

God n Science

I was talking to a lady sat on a bench in town recently. She says she does not believe in God because she is a scientist. I find that very interesting, because I have a science degree and I do believe in God. I told her how I have studied science and I so clearly see God in the way things are made and put together. Anyway this lady was convinced we are just a load of chemicals banging together.

The problem with the theory that we are just chemicals is that we are so clearly not. If we were just chemicals where would love be? or joy? or beauty? There is no need for any of that if we did not have a soul or a spirit. The lady did admit that she could not explain away the fact that she does have a soul, but she still could not make the step to believe we are created by God to know Him.

When I was at university we had a professor who lectured on the structure of starch molecules (which as it happens is extremely tedious). This guy could so clearly see the hand of God that he virually evangelised us on the different crystalline structures and repeat patterns of molecules and so on. Infact, if starch was not formed the way it is, it would not be possible to make bread.

Recently I have been reading a book which explains how more and more scientists are having to admit there is a divine creator. This covers areas of science that I have some knowldge of like biochemistry and evolution and those I have no idea about like physics or astronomy. The thing is, it all points to there being a reason why we are here. Science alone cannot explain WHY we and the planet we live on are so precisely and perfectly made, or why we appear to be unique in the universe. I know there is still a jump from belief in the divine to belief in Jesus as we know Him, but I find it amazing to realise that what is written in Romans about God showing Himself through creation is being proved by science. It's all totally mind-boggling and just provokes the response “Wow, God!

Celibacy Testimony- Part Three

Part Three- The Blessings

Well, it has taken me a while to get around to writing about the blessings of celibacy, but that does not mean I am having to scrape the barrel to find them!

The thing with the blessings of celibacy is that the gift is not like a slot machine, it is not like you post so much in and you get so much back out. The gift is a lifestyle thing, and it is a tool or path towards a fulfilled and blessed life, but not a guarantee or a free plane ticket to paradise. This means that the blessings are harder to quantify and identify.

One way to think of the blessings is to think of all the things that I am now doing that I would not be able to do if I was not a celibate. The biggest one is that I work in one of our kingdom businesses and I have quite a responsible job, if had got married the likelihood is that I would have kids by now, and so would not be working any more. Working in the business is one ministry that I would have had to give up to be a wife/mother. Working in the business has also been a big training ground for me, and it gives me the opportunity to input the girls who work in the department, and not being somone who is mega out-going and popular I do really appreciate the contact with people that I would not normally meet.

I would also dare to say that there is an intimacy in worship that a celibate person can reach into that is not the same for a married person. Not that married people do not experience deep and intimate worship, but it will be more so for a celibate person. When I sing “Jesus, you are my first love” or “You are my passion” I really do mean it, and despite what I said about it not being a slot machine, there is a measure that God does honour the sacrifice and especially bless celibates who seek his presence.

Celibacy Testimony - Part Two

The struggles

Why do I want to talk about the struggles with celibacy?

Because I don't want to paint a rosy picture that is not true, because I believe in being honest and because I honestly believe that the struggles can be won and it is possible to live in the celibate gifting long-term.

There are kind of two ways that the struggles come: Struggling with the “sex, hormones and emotions” side of it (a bit like the hunger pangs when you are trying to fast) and struggling with the “spiritual” side of it (a bit like when you mean to fast and pray, but then don't actually get any praying done).

I think the biggest battle that all celibates face is keeping the gift alive. We have made the sacrifice and chosen the life for a purpose, but it is so easy to let it slide into merely “un-marriedness” and live an ineffective boring life- just without a partener. The celibate life is meant to be a power source within. It is mean to spring out of passionate love for Jesus, and spur us into passionate acts of love, service and devotion to Him and the Church, for the Kingdom sake.

But enough of the theory, this is me:

There have been some big battles on the “sex, hormones and emotions” side of things. I don't want to go into details 'cos it implicates third persons- which is not fair. What I can say is, being celibate does not make you immune to falling in love with someone, it does not make you immune from other people falling in love with you, it does not mean you will not get hassled/abused/assaulted.
After all the battles I still call myself a celibate. I still claim and hold onto the purity of the gift, and to be honest I have become more stubborn in my determination to hold true.

To live as a celibate day to day there are of course choices to be made to be sure I am not doing anything that would undermine my celibate gift. Celibacy is more than “not having sex”, it is about being set apart for Jesus and being pure and holy in body, soul and spirit.
I have to be very careful about what I read because I have the kind of mind that does not forget things easily. I do not read novels, and I often have to stop reading and turn the page in the newspaper. I would not watch a film that would fill my head with stuff I can do without.
Also, if I look at someone and think “hmmm” then I have to look away quick smart. If I am in a meeting and seem to be shading my eyes from the lighting, it is more likely I am deliberately blocking my view of a person who is distracting to me! I know what fashion or physique I find striking, and I chose not to feast my eyes on that.
I do not have any blokes numbers on my phone (except leaders and work numbers) so there isn't the tempatation to send or receive txt messages that could border on the over-familiar.

One of my biggest struggles is feeling lonely sometimes. Little things like not having someone to stand with in a queue, or no-one saving you a seat in a meeting, or being on your own at a family wedding/funeral. Those things get to me, they make me feel “If I had a husband, he would look out for me.” Its at times like this I have to remember that I do have a husband- and He is more faithful to me than any human could ever be. I also have to remember that God did ask me “What if I never give you anyone especially for you...?” and I chose that choice.
Having a wide range of wholesome friendships really is a life line to a celibate. It is also, when you think about it, what celibacy is all about: Choosing not to have one person specially there for you, so you can be there for lots of others. Celibate life should over flow in a wide range of relationships.

Other celibates who give up the vow is one thing that I do find really really hard, especially if it is someone I look up to or someone I esteem for enduring the hard times. I could have given up my vow at one point, but I realised that if I love someone then I would want the best for them, and the best for them would not be me. We had some teaching about being married for God once, and that helped me conclude that I could not build a marriage vow upon a broken celibate vow. There is a bit in one of the “Hawk and the Dove” books where Brother Tom runs away for a woman , and comes back because he knows he cannot vow to her when he is already vowed to God. I was so amazed when I read that because that was how I felt about things, and there it was in print!

Having said that, I know celibates do leave their vows, for many and varied reasons, and there is grace for people to be restored and re-find their place in the church. But... I know a lot of people who have been really hurt by those who have turned back and I do not want to hurt people like that. I know people who will not consider the celibate gift, or do not respect it because so many have turned back. That's really sad, and I would not want to cause someone else to struggle because of what I have done, because I have not been true.

Celibacy Testimony - Part One

This summer I have been celibate for 10 years.

I took my vow on 17 August 1996, but I don't count the first year 'cos I found things really hard and I “restarted” in August 1997.

This is the beginning of a few blogs about the celibate life, starting with how/why I became celibate.

Once I had graduated from uni and moved into community I was pretty desperate to know wether I would be celibate or married, at 23 years old I thought I was getting on a bit(!!) and needed to know which way I was going. I would now advise anyone to wait until they have matured a bit in their gifts 'cos then it will be clearer wether your gifts/ministries would be best used as a married or as a celibate person.

I spent quite a lot of time thinking about marriage and about celibacy. I remember when I was first in the church trying to look really holy when I was worshipping so the brothers would think I looked like a good choice for a wife. Then someone told me that I carried a celibate spirit when I worshipped and I stopped worshipping for a while!

I think I knew deep down in my spirit that when I was baptised and made covenant with this church, that community and celibacy would follow. I have always felt that either God is no real and worth nothing, or He is real and He is worth everything. This did not stop me falling for someone in the Christian Union at university. Afer we had spent an evening kissing on the sofa he asked if we could pray, and prayed along the lines “Thankyou God for this Christian girlfriend whom I hope will one day be my wife”. I had to quickly explain “erm.... I think I should tell you that I'm pretty sure God has called me to community, and maybe to celibacy, sorry for messing you around but....”

In one of the presentations the church used to do (“Bleeding Life”) there was a short video of familes in a shopping centre and the Dads had their kids on their shoulders. I had a lot of issues about that 'cos my Dad was not very affectionate like that. In time I got healing over the “Dad thing” and then one meeting, out of the blue, I felt God was asking me “What if I never gave you anyone especially for you?” God never said “I want you to be celibate”, just “What if.."

One particular day I went for a walk and thought/prayed about all the advantages and disadvantages of both marriage and celibacy. I needed to know what, for me, would be the cross and the blessing and the pitfalls of each. In the end the conclusion I came to was that, for me, celibacy would be a goad, it would make me responsible for my own walk with God and motivate me to be active in my spiritual life. As a celibate there is no-one for me to hide behind or lean on.

When I went to my first celibates meeting the friend I went with kindly got us seats right at the front of the meeting. The worship and teaching were amazing. Then at the end Noel said for those who wanted to receive the gift to stand up. I thought, “I can't, my spirit will explode if I do that” then I heard (one of the few times I have audibly heard) God saying “Well, I'll bless you where you are then” and in that moment I received an anointing of laughter and shaking. It was a release of the Holy Spirit like I had never known before. I was staying at another community house that night, with people I did nt know that well, and in the car I was still laughing and shaking and I was thinking “God, this is so unlike me, what is going on?” and He said (audibly again) “I am just taking your fears away”.
I think if I did not respond to a confirmation like that then I would be more than a bit dense!

The celibate meeting was in October 1995, and it took me until November to talk to my shepherd about doing a probationary year. (I am not very good at talking to people about what is going on) In August 1996 I knew the gift was me. I was prompted by another sister of my age taking her vow to tell my shepherd that I had made my decision. It was thundering that evening and the house was full of visitors so we had to go for a walk to talk. The community house I lived in then was on the edge of the red-light area so it was a bit bizarre in the heavy rain with prostitutes on the corner to be talking about committing myself to a celibate life. Anyway, when we got back to the house he and his wife prayed for me in their bedroom, and I prayed to God what I wanted to say to Him. When I had done that it felt amazing, not as emotional as the celibate meeting, but I still went around with a grin like a Cheshire cat for a week after. I was TOTALLY in love with Jesus. About a month later I had a celebration (bit like a wedding reception) to publically confirm the vow, the people in the house made me a card, a cake with white icing and a silver ring (tinfoil) on it, and someone wrote me a song.

My parents (who were not part of this church then) were cool about me making a celibate vow. When I rang them to tell them my Dad said “I thought you would” and Mum said “Oh, that means I won't have any grandchildren (my sister has since done the grandchildren bit). Celibates in our church often wear a silver ring on their wedding finger as a sign on their vow. Dad asked to buy my ring for me which was very special- though I don't quite know what the chap in the jewellers thought when he asked wether the ring was for a special occasion and Dad blurted out in the crowded shop “She's become a celibate- she is married to Jesus!”

Rock of Ages

Have you ever seen a young child throw a temper tantrum? Do you ever feel like doing the same?
To be able to scream and shout and say express that its not fair, you don't understand and you don't like it.
To be able to stamp and hit someone who is big enough and loving enough to cope with us until we calm calm down and let them love us and explain what is really going on and make everything in our small world all OK again.

I think we do very often hit out at those we love when we are hurt, because we need the reassurance of someone who is bigger/stronger/more able to cope, and the only way we can test if they are up to it is to push them to the limit.

Years ago I was having a stress-out at God about stuff, and it was like He very patiently pointed out to me that the Rock I was banging my head against was the One I was supposed to be leaning on. That wisdom is something I have come back to time and time again, and at the moment it is particularly relevant.

This hymn kind of expresses the need to hide in God, to lean on Him and find security in Him:

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

Let me hide myself in Thee;

Let the water and the blood,

From Thy riven side which flowed,

Be of sin the double cure;

Save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labour of my hands

Can fulfil Thy law’s demands;

Could my zeal no respite know,

Could my tears for ever flow,

All for sin could not atone;

Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,

Simply to the cross I cling;

Naked, come to Thee for dress;

Helpless, look to Thee for grace;

Foul, I to the fountain fly;

Wash me, Saviour, else I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,

When my eyelids close in death,

When I soar to worlds unknown,

See Thee on Thy judgement throne,

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

Let me hide myself in Thee.