Testimony- the teen years

Testimony- teen years.

When I first became a Christian I did not have a church to go to and I though I wanted to take my faith seriously my life was still in a mess.

If you had met me aged 17-19 I would have been dressed in a way to provoke a reaction from you... something like hot pants with thick patterned tights and an over sized jumper; or jeans with painted hand prints and a denim jacket covered in multi coloured patches. It was a self-defence thing 'cos I had low self esteem and getting a reaction was a way to prove it was your problem and not mine.

When I met the sisters from this church I fell in love with the way they dressed simply and modestly and the way they were valued as sisters. They were not potential dates like in the world or potential wives like in the other churches. The way I dressed quickly changed once I decided to get baptised. Not because I was conforming to “the way the church does things” but because I was finding peace and acceptance and my identity as a woman of God.

At the time I came to the church I also had eating problems, I used to go on phases of not eating and of over eating. I used to have “rituals” to do with food and I lost all sense of what was normal eating and there was no way I could enjoy food in a social setting.

Being around people in the church who were totally normal about food brought me loads of healing, and with growing self-acceptance I found real healing. I remember once standing in the kitchen crying rather than face taking a tray of tea around. Also when I was first at the warehouse I refused to go to the Cakery because I could not cope being around so much cake. I now supervise the Cakery and have done catering for up to 80 people. What would have absolutely terrified me is now a part of normal life.

The last thing to be “sorted” from my teen years has actually been quite recent...

I was not a “classic” self-harmer, so you won't see scars up my arms, but there was plently of self-hatred that used to spring up to condemn me from time to time. I did not really think I had a problem until there was an item in one of the marquee meetings about self harm and I found myself blocking my ears and stamping my feet 'cos I could not cope. I had prayer from someone after that meeting, and then some months later I felt God was putting his finger on some feelings of shame I carried so I decided to get some more prayer. The same person had word from God that they should pray for me and was waiting for me at the response time! To be free from shame was a big thing and I had “unashamed” on a poster above my bed for a long while.

This year at the Praise Day there was another item that mentioned self harm. Inside my head there was something shouting “shut up, shut up, shut up” all through the item. It was a right battle to go for prayer, but I decided to ask a particular sister who I saw as wise and discreet to pray for me. I shared all the stuff that made me feel so bad and made me want to hurt myself. She prayed for me for deliverance and I really truly have been so free since. I have been in situations since then that would have triggered self hatred and just have not had those feelings.

Testimony

Quite often in our meetings people are asked to testify to what God has done in their lives. I am normally quite reluctant to share anything 'cos what I have to say does not quite fit with the point the speaker is trying to make. I do think though that testimony is important.

When we testify we are giving thanks for what God has done, and we make sure that we do not forget. Often in the Old Testament, when God had done something amazing, people set up a marker stone or an altar and named it in praise of what God had done. They did this to remember and remind future generations.

The Jewish Passover is the biggest testimony as every year they have the sacrificial meal and remember how God brought the people out of Egypt. At that meal there are set questions the youngest child will ask as a way of passing on the memory.

I definitely think that we grow ungrateful if we do not remember what God has done. What was a miracle becomes common place. We are like the Israelites who were rescued from Egypt and crossed through the Red Sea and then complained about having to travel through the desert!

The most powerful example of testimony I found in the Bible is from Revelations

This is more than “Jesus healed me of my ingrown toenail”. These are the martyrs whose lives were given for the sake of Jesus. Those who would not stop speaking about Jesus and the Kingdom of God, and we praise God for these ones who paid with their lives.

I recently read the book “Rachel's Tears” which is based on extracts from the diary of one of the teenagers shot at Columbine Hight School. People knew her as someone who “walked the talk” and tried to demonstrate her faith in the way she behaved. After she died her diaries were a testimony to the depth of relationship she did have with God. People praised God because of her testimony.

I had been thinking about the subject of testimony before I read the book, but reading it made me want to speak up for God in my life, so when I die people will know I know my God.

So... for the next few blogs I want to testify to some landmarks in my life and praise God for the journey he is taking me on.

Middleness

It seems to me like one big struggle in Christian life is not to settle into middleness. Compromised comfortable nothingness. Like a motel set up on the path into the wilderness we stop travelling on and settle down. Comfortable that we are not where we once were, but so far short of where we could/should be. We can testify to knowing the Holy Spirit, but people around us cannot really see any difference in our lives, it's like subscribing to a cook book club but never getting around to making or tasting what we read about.

Casting Crowns sing a song called “Somewhere in the middle” which has inspired me about middleness. Phrases like “deep water faith in the shallow end” so sum up where I often find myself. I get inspired by God and long for the reckless faith that will risk all for God, but I also want the safety of familiar surroundings and trusted boundaries.

The story “The King of the Land in the Middle” talks about a country where everything was “in the middle”, where there were no extremes- either for good or for bad. The story starts when the king of the land has hot coffee for the very first time, and by the end of the story the people start to take risks and experience the extremes of life- the deepest. sorrows as well as the highest joys.

That's one of the things about middleness- you might set out to protect yourself from the things that hurt, but you also end up missing out on the best things of life. Life is only full when lived to both extremes.

Last night in the meeting we were provoked about our recent experiences of the Holy Spirit. We say we are a Holy Spirit filled people, but our testimonies to the Spirit moving are 5 or 10 or 15 years ago! We were challenged whether we are ready for the Holy Spirit to do something amazing now.
This was good timing for me 'cos I have been feeling spiritually hungry again recently. I was writing a list on Friday of 5 things I want to do before I am 40 (which is only 6 years away). This will of course mean getting started on them right away!

This is a scripture that make sense of what I have been trying to say: Paul talks about taking hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
That means not failing to achieve the potential God had put in you and the Holy Spirit has inspired in you. It means not giving up half way and coasting from average middle age to bored old-age.

Another scripture talks about a householder who can bring old and new stuff out of the storehouse. In practice this means having fresh new living experiences of faith and Holy Spirit life, as well as the foundation stuff from years ago.

There is also the scary one from Revelation about being lukewarm and spewed out of God's mouth. That's the thing really... "middleness" is just another word for "lukewarm". Though it is nice and comfortable it is a dangerous place to be- a bit like a frog in a pan of water that is being slowly boiled alive.